Erin summer fun

Naughty jokes had most in stitches

2008-06-09T04:14:00.001-07:00

If you like raunchy gags about alcoholic beverage and pornography, then you probably would have got loved Dave
Attell's stand-up comedy last nighttime in the Riffe Center's Washington Theatre.

For a small more than than an hour, the adjacent host of
The Gong Show (collective groan) reveled in the seamier side of life, and he had
most of the crowd along for the full ride.

Yet if one wiped down the many unmentionable spots and scrubbed up the language, you'd still have
a comic's amusing who can state a good joke.

Take this gap line, about our just city: "I like how you cats do a business district expression deserted. It's wish
I Am Legend rans into Autonomy City."

(Anyone who's played
Grand Larceny Car will LOL at that one.)

Attell jumped from subject to topic, but scattered among the naughty spots were a few gems:

"I was in Dubai recently. Dubai is the Vegas of the Center East. No, it isn't, because I've been
to Vegas, and Vegas is fun. I've had more than merriment at DeVry, and Iodine learned a trade."

"Drinking and drive is wrong, but imbibing and watching drive is (bleeping) fun."

"I like 'em fat and fresh â¦ I love fat Peasant misses who worship the Satan and cheese."

"I lost a clump of money on Equus caballus racing the other twenty-four hours (at Belmont). Horse racing is the Amish
NASCAR."

"How is it that you can acquire your most of import photograph (for a passport) processed at a CVS?"

His political wit was equally twisted, too, starting with, "Speaking of Pap smears, what do
you believe of Edmund Hillary Clinton?"

His lone ailment with Barack Obama was that he's too thin: "I don't desire him getting off the
plane to some Third World country, and they manus
him food." Attell thought Obama should pick the Burger King as his running play mate:
"That way, you'd acquire a reasonably priced meal, too. Then, McCain could acquire Jared from Subway."

There was a nod in Attell's stuff to getting older, touching on the awful colonoscopy,
changing his diet and not drinking and smoke as much. He also told the women in the audience (who
seemed to be in the minority) that their work force believe of them like the picture-in-picture characteristic on a
television: "You're the large picture, but they still have got that small image on."

Attell ended with one of his signature bits, in which audience members yelled out what they are
drinking, and he told them how their nighttime would stop (generally badly). He thanked everyone for
coming out on a Lord'S Day night: "Sunday is recovery twenty-four hours for a batch of people."

Craig Peters opened with a nice warm-up set with spots such as as having route fury in a funeral
procession, taking advantage of a free sample of Viagra, and this one-liner: "You cognize what I hate
about the Amish? Their Web site."

Pre Memorial Day Musings

2008-05-26T08:37:00.001-07:00

It is the twenty-four hours before Memorial Day and as happens many modern times during my days, ideas of WWII still surface. After so many old age I often inquire just how much of my memories are existent and how much unreal; I have got got decided there is some of both in most thoughts.

Memories that once made me waken at night, frightened and shaking, have passed; letting more than pleasant memories prevail. I recognize now that there were modern times in the Devil Dog Corp, and after, when I was a small nutty. The mental attitude of "don't give a damn" and "I can't decease until I am at least 40" have pretty much gone by the wayside.

The 'until 40' idea helped me immensely back then; however, the twelvemonth I turned 40 was a spot uncomfortable, especially when my new company auto that twelvemonth was a casket colored bronze. Are there a spot of superstitious notion in each of us?

Memories of state side duty during the latter years of warfare were good! Upon returning from the Pacific, Iodine had a 30 twenty-four hours furlough enroute to Camp LeJuene, N.C. I drop 'in love' four modern times beginning at Mare Island in San Francisco, then Los Angeles, Mineral Wells, Texas and Kinston, N.C. (Well, I have got already admitted to be nutty!)

A few hebdomads later, I wrote the same missive to each of the immature ladies, asking for them to forgive me for falling so quickly and only then coming to my senses. My thought at the clip was as I remember that falling in love, getting married and having children would somehow maintain me alive. Reading these now demoes me how very dense this thought was.

Money wasn't a job during my clip at Camp LeJuene. One all-nighter with die is a lawsuit in point where I ended up breaking my barrack and one adjacent door among which were 2 cats from Windy City who ran a gaming combine. It seemed I made just about every point I tried.

How much money? I haven't the slightest idea, but it was enough to pay for a nighttime in Kinston for any of the also-rans who could cram themselves into one of the five cab cabs I ordered. Steaks and booze, and what ever else anyone wanted. What a night!

How To Get Kids To Stop Swearing

2008-05-22T21:12:00.001-07:00

Last calendar month a reader asked if I'd be willing to compose about children swearing. I must acknowledge the petition took me off guard initially, but I believe it's a great subject to see from a thought angle. Hitting the OFF button is one thing. Getting your children to appreciate how destructive non-stop curse is-to the powerfulness of language, to communication, and to personal and work relationships-is another thing all together.

My advice is to maintain this conversation going for awhile.

Stopping the Habit

In many respects, nixing the curse at place is one of the easier tasks. You can make this by 1) never curse around your children and 2) providing some deterrence to your child. "Fining" children coins or handles on the topographic point plant best. Don't allow it intensify into a large "I'm-disappointed-in-you" thing at the end of the day. In fact, mulct yourself too when you steal up. It assists your children see curse as a bad wont that's difficult for anyone to break.

The Curse Culture

You've heard the story: the more than than you hang around people who swear, the more you curse yourself. Let your children cognize that people sometimes acquire into the wont of curse because everybody at their school or occupation swears. However, that doesn't intend that it's acceptable or the norm. Explain how awkward it is to demo up somewhere, driblet a few pick curses and hear the sound of a pin dropping.

What Real Number Number Language Is For

Real linguistic communicating is for communication. The English linguistic communication includes about 180,000 words in current use (in improver to about 45,000 outdated words), about one-fourth of which are adjectives. That leaves of absence 45,000 adjectives in current use. When you experience like curse yourself, range for a brainsick adjective. Don't halt at "notably awful." Put some relish into it. Challenge the children to make the same. Notice what a deadening option curse is?

Privacy, What Privacy?

This is what I name the Facebook statement and it's one to utilize with teens. Many teens cognize that employers and college admittances military officers bank check out applicants' Facebook, MySpace, or Xanga pages to acquire an unvarnished expression at them. What would go on if these folks eavesdropped on your teen's conversations? (If they're on YouTube, they may be doing it already). Yup, curse is right up there-along with filth and bad judgment-as A manner to acquire yourself dumped from the short list.

Sticks and Stones

Probably the greatest lesson of all. Words make matter-they make ache and they can kill-trust, self-esteem, relationships. Let your children cognize that calling person a curse word word is not only offensive, it aches them too.

Taking Kids Out To Dinner? It's An Education

2008-05-16T10:51:00.001-07:00

California principal Jacqueline Sanderlin picked up the tab. And not for books or educational toys. She picked up the check for dinner because she decided that "exposure is the cardinal to education."

And it wasn't just any dinner either. She bussed seven pupils who'd been participating in her after-school etiquette programme to one of the swankiest eating houses in Beverly Hills--Lawry's The Prime Rib. They sat at Table 46.

Not bad, considering that children at Saint George American Capital George Washington Carver Elementary in Arthur Compton measure up for free luncheons the remainder of the year.

Sanderlin's definitely on to something. Dining is not only a great socializing experience for your kids, it's education in the broadest sense. Let the critics kick about children and babes taking over eating houses (which they do, loudly, of late). Instead, let's number the ways that dining out measure ups as learning.

The neat material on the table
The glasses, the cutlery, the tabular array linens. You desire to monster out and state the children not to touch anything, right? Don't make that. Look at what's on the tabular array and pick up whatever is unbreakable. Touch it and bend it around. The children at Lawry's noticed how heavy the cutter was. See any butter curls? Ask your kid to calculate out how they were made.

Toast each other
Once H2O arrives, chink your spectacles for a toast. Your children may be interested to larn that toasting started in Ancient Greece. The toaster would always take the first nip to turn out that the drink was not poisoned! Toasting each other agency wishing each other good luck and good health.

The linguistic communication of food
Looking at the bill of fare with children can open up up a new world. Read the words together and sound out those in other languages, and ask for your kid to reiterate them. If you cognize the language, you could also translate. Tiramisù, for example, intends "pick me up" in Italian, referring to the caffeinated chocolate and java in that yummy dessert.

Ask and learn
Encourage your kid to inquire inquiries about the nutrients on the bill of fare and inquire the server inquiries as well. If you dine at off-peak hours, staff are often willing to state you more than about the dish, its history, and how it's prepared.

Offer new flavours
There isn't a better manner to present children to new nutrients than to have got them prepared by person who really cognizes what he or she's doing in the kitchen. Once dinner arrives, offering little samples of the dishes to each other. I was searching for hummus today at our local grocery shop store but I happened to be intercepted by person offering samples of bean curd dip. Guess which one Iodine chose in the end--just because she offered it.

You already cognize the regulations about keeping children occupied when you dine (paper, crayons, portable games, cards). But distraction isn't the lone method of keeping children happy in a restaurant. Next clip you're cook to splurge, choice a topographic point where you can drop your dentition into the experience. Your children will retrieve it.

The children from Saint George American Capital George Washington Carver certain did.

Helping Troubled Teens At Home

2008-05-06T12:34:00.001-07:00

Troubled teens necessitate a good place environment with regulations and structure. It is very of import to have got bounds and regulations in order to assist troubled teens develop and turn properly. Without regulations there can be no control in your home. Rules should be placed in any home, whether with a troubled teen or not. Homes that have got troubled teens necessitate to put more than defined and structured rules. This is the key.

When you are setting these more than defined rules, you should do multiple degrees of bar to assist your troubled teen. A good illustration is when the rule, don't make drugs is in place. This regulation is too wide and is not specific. Helping troubled teens necessitates specifics. Interruption it down by making regulations about who they hang out with, what sorts of things they are doing with their friends, where they are permitted to go, and when they can or cannot go.

Having specific regulations put in topographic point is only half of the job. Once you have got these rules, you necessitate to acquire your troubled teen to follow with them. In order to assist troubled teens follow with the rules, four chief things must be in place. They are:

1. Your troubled teen must clearly understand the regulations that have got been set.

2. The regulations must be monitored effectively.

3. The regulations necessitate to be continually enforced.

4. Effective effects must be used when a teen makes not comply.

If these four guidelines cannot be met when trying to implement the rules, it will be extremely hard to accomplish success. Helping troubled teens depends on your ability to be consistent and specific. Being consistent is one of the hardest things when trying to assist troubled teens, but it is one of the most of import concepts. If a troubled teen is expected to follow the rules, their parents should be able to follow through and lodge to them.

The effects you take to set in topographic point demand to be strong. If they are not then the troubled teen will most likely just disregard them and not follow with any of your rules. They necessitate to cognize that you are serious and will make what you state you will do. Knowing how to assist troubled teens is only confusing when the parent is not ready to be consistent with their child. Parents can assist their teens defeat the many obstructions that human face them. It just takes construction and consistency.

Dancing with the Stars

2008-04-29T20:51:00.001-07:00

The Professor was huffy at me. We had agreed to ran into at 8 Prime Minister to subscribe an of import agreement. My hold led to delay of the meeting.

"What in heaven's name happened to you?"

It was a mild reproach that nevertheless made me experience bad and reconfirmed my reluctance to have got dinner with my television manufacturer friend who insisted on having the infernal silver screen on during the meal. Instead of serving dinner at a nice hr as he and his married woman usually do, this clip they had an of import invitee other than me. It was the usual Mogul whose generous pockets would shortly finance one of my friend's television ventures.

The repast was not bad except that the silver screen showed in all its wretchedness that popular programme "Dancing with the Stars"! I could not believe of an alibi drastic adequate to acquire up off the tabular array and haste into the eventide traffic. I suffered in silence.

"What was so awful about having the programme Dancing with the Stars as dinner background? " Asked the Professor.

"Well, for one thing, dance is the incorrect term. When you have got got a couple of great jocks that seemingly have been starched inside and out ,that move in spasms, gyrations, stiff bends and sequences with a lower limit of saving grace and beauty, no great repast is going to cut down the hurting and revulsion."

"Tell me more' he urged.

"Dance is or should be a blend of rhythm, beauty and music, not a acrobatic exhibition performed by people who believe that keeping a automaton attitude, a stiff dorsum and an unreal sense of coordinated motion, they are performing a dance!"

I paused for a minute and then declared:

"Our adjacent president would make well to forbid these specs to take place. They are anti-American, attempt against the laws of inertial navigation, gnaw the sense of naturalness, chemical equilibrium and saving grace of our young person and gives the United States the mental image of a state that promotes its people to withstand gravitation and wear uncomfortable shoes!"

10 Ways to Tell You're Getting Older

2008-03-29T06:51:00.001-07:00

A amusing thing happened to me when I turned forty. I noticed hair growing out of my ears. At first, I didn't pay much attending to it, but as the hebdomads went by, it began looking like spiders were trying to creep into my head.

With much resistance, I decided to pare the hair with a little brace of scissors, but it kept growing back, thicker and darker. Thoughts of hiring a professional lawn service to keep this unsightly growing came to mind. Then person suggested "electrolysis." (From the Grecian "electro" significance some kind of electricity and "trolysis" significance hurting like hell.) This was not an option I wanted to explore.

So, I've decided to chalk it up to getting older. Let's human face it, no 1 desires to acknowledge that they are getting old, so I've adopted the new phrase "getting older". Getting old sounds so cold and rigid, but no 1 can deny that we are getting older. Getting aged just have a nicer more than appreciated quality about it.

So, how makes one cognize if they are getting old(er)? Here are 10 certain fire ways:

1. You're spending more than and more clip in the Clairol aisle.

2. You maintain flipping through the channels looking for Lawrence Welk.

3. You got your last monocle prescription from the Erythroxylon Coca Genus Cola Bottling Company.

4. Seventy per cent of your conversation includes you shouting the word "What?!!!

5. You believe the new up and coming amusing is Shecky Greene.

6. Drug maltreatment intends taking two stool softeners.

7. You've spent five proceedings standing in the kitchen trying to retrieve what you went in there for.

8. Those Depends commercial messages have got been catching your eye.

9. Your closet includes either achromatic shoes, achromatic belt, or both.

10. Getting up three modern times a nighttime no longer have to make with sex.

I trust this helps. Base On Balls this on to five of your friends, or household members that you experience are getting old(er). Iodine cognize I am, passing this on, that is, if lone I can retrieve their names.

Advice For The June Groom

2008-03-25T17:05:00.001-07:00

I saw my first redbreast of Spring yesterday... two cats held up a Seven-Eleven. (Rim shot.)

But, yes, it is Spring and that agency bright sunshine, colourful flowers and a immature man's fancy bends to... baseball. Just kidding. I mean, love. And what follows love, but engagements. And what follows engagements, but marriage. And what follows marriage, but fighting over control of the television remote.

This twelvemonth there will be more than June brides than June bugs. Women are lucky in that they usually have got a prenuptial treatment with their female parents about what to anticipate out of marriage. Work Force have got a prenuptial treatment about what to anticipate out of a marriage, too. It's called the unmarried man party.

That's why I would wish to utilize this column to counsel the immature men, about to do that of import step, of the pitfalls and trip wires to avoid.

First of all, there are two very of import magic words you must larn before we continue. Those words are, "I'm sorry." Learn them. Practice them in presence of a mirror. Saying these two words, convincingly, can intend the difference between being served your favourite dinner and a bowl of Kibbles 'N Bits.

At work, you may be the 1 who make all the of import decisions, but once you go through through the portals of your domicile, your determinations don't intend squat. To avoid confrontations and a series of bickers that volition only stop in you having to state the two "magic" words anyway, leave of absence the determinations to her. She will appreciate you for having adequate assurance in her determination devising and you won't have got to worry about where she hid your underwear. (Besides, you'll acquire used to sleeping in a fuchsia sleeping room with periwinkle slipcovers and a hot pinkish canopy.)

Just like you, wives travel through different alterations in moods. However, even if you lived together for 40 old age before getting married, you will never see all the tempers that they travel through. Taking an educated guess, I would have got to safely state that there are only about 16 proceedings a calendar month that your married woman won't desire to take a powerfulness tool to one of your limbs.

Another thing to maintain in head is... you're wrong. Accept that fact. You are never right. If the sky is blue, you're wrong. If tomorrow is Friday, you're wrong. There's another phrase you may desire to begin practicing. "You're right, dear." In fact, if you compound the two phrases that you have got been taught, ("I'm sorry. You're right, dear.") effectively, many a nighttime on the couch with a springtime jabbing you in the dorsum can be avoided.

Be prepared to be made to look like an incompetent sap at any time. If you go forth the bath mat on the flooring after taking a shower, you will be notified. If you go forth the bath mat on the flooring a 2nd time, she will personally come up down to your topographic point of work, with bath mat in hand, point to it, and in her most arch voice say, "Did we bury something today?"

There is a manner of not doing housework, but it takes pattern and being able to look foolish with a sincere look on your face. Let's say you've been assigned to make the laundry. Wait for her to catch you burden the washer with Whites and a stack of bluish socks and inquire her if you should utilize hot water. She will immediately force you to the side and state you, "You don't cognize what you're doing." In which case, your response will be what? Correct. "I'm sorry. You're right, dear." This volition be an first-class chance for you to catch the athletics subdivision of the newspaper and caput to the "library." (Just remember, the eyelid must be down when you finish. Better known as the Eleventh Commandment.)

Well, got to go. My married woman just walked by and gave me THAT look. It can only intend one thing. After making my sandwich for luncheon today, I must have got got left my knife on the counter instead of washing, drying and putting it away.

So, maintain in head these simple regulations and you, too, will have a matrimony made in Heaven. "What's that? The knife travels in the silverware drawer and not on the counter? I'm sorry. You're right, dear."

Home Repairs for the Novice

2008-03-11T14:03:00.001-07:00

I'm not exactly what you would name handy. In fact, I am to place improvement what Mr. Deoxythymidine Monophosphate is to Victoria's Secret. I necessitate an nightlong infirmary stay if I try to take the India rubber set from around a newspaper. (I've almost set my oculus out twice.)

My deficiency of mechanical art is known throughout the countryside. The borough that I dwell in have requested that I use for a permit, if I try to construct a sandwich.

My father was the 1 who was blessed with these skills. He could work on the household car and have got it running in the morning, fix a broken hay profligate on the dorsum of the tractor in the afternoon, put in new electrical mercantile establishments in the trim room by twilight and then turn around and do a Magyar Goulash that would do a indigen Budapestian transmigrate to our kitchen. And, he'd make it all in one day. (Let's see him compose a one-half hr specification book for "Everybody Loves Raymond.")

Still, I would love the ability to construct or fix something and not have got to fill up out an coverage claim form. For instance, I tried replacing the float in the lavatory army tank in the invitee bathroom. Without getting into too many details, people who see us now, and usage the invitee bathroom, have got the alone chance to see, first hand, how a pool litter operates.

Last year, we had a Nor'easter and respective herpes zoster were blown off our roof. I replaced them the twenty-four hours before a major blizzard in March. After the storm, all the herpes zoster I replaced, (using no less than twenty nails in each shingle) were still there. However, all the shake surrounding them were gone.

I also attempted to put in a lavatory paper holder in the invitee bathroom. Sixteen electric drill holes in the wall later, I discovered how much easier it was to go forth the loose axial rotation of t.p. on the vanity.

My lame fix efforts became known as "The Curse Of The Guest Bathroom." Sir Leslie Stephen King is planning on authorship the screenplay.

Now that I've put you up, and have got given you some background on my manual dexterity, it is clip to state you of my ultimate challenge.

No 1 looks to cognize how a bit in the porcelain, the size of Camden County, got in the invitee bathroom sink. My girlfriend denies any cognition of it. And every clip I oppugn the two cats, they indicate their paws at each other in an accusative fashion.

So, when my girlfriend said, "We necessitate to replace this sink." I immediately volunteered for the job. After approximately twenty proceedings of my girlfriend laughing uncontrollably, I explained that I needed to interrupt "The Curse Of the Guest Bathroom", I needed to turn out that I could make it and I needed the arm and leg I would have got been charged had I hired a plumber. It was just something I had to do. Man pitted against plumbing. Infectious Mononucleosis Gold Mono.

I entered the bathroom wearing a fully loaded tool belt, a difficult hat, dark goggles, and retention a big tobacco pipe twist in each hand. ROBOPLUMBER!!!

First, I removed the old sink. This was the sink that originally came with the house. I discovered that detergent builders be given to utilize the cheapest class stuffs when edifice a house. (The adjacent less class sink, in this case, would have got been a fluent watercourse and a rock.)

The true true cats hid under the bed, as I removed the hardware from the old sink and attempted to set them (the hardware, not the cats) on the new one. NOTE: It's advisable to retrieve how the hardware came off, so that after installing the hardware on the new sink, you don't have got 10 or twelve other pieces left over.

The perspiration began pouring from my brow as everything I tried to make went wrong. The bathroom began looking like a scene out of The Three Stooges' "A Plumbing We Will Go." I had ideas of, after completing the job, turning on the faucet and my neighbor's lavatory flushing.

I'm proud to state that, eventually, the sink was installed and aquiline up. The hot H2O came out when the hot H2O faucet was turned on. The cold H2O ran when the cold H2O faucet was activated. This was all complete in one afternoon with lone two Band-Aids, A alteration of clothing and thirty-seven expletive deletives. The "curse" had been broken.

Now, weren't we talking about adding on another room?

Medifast For Teens Or Kids? My Modified Version That Has Worked

2008-02-29T10:46:00.001-08:00

Let me let on right upfront that I am not a doctor, but I have got lost almost 50 lbs on medifast. A couple of calendar months ago, I was approached by a coworker who had three pretty corpulence children, who frankly were approaching being obese. After seeing my results, and noticing that I'd been able to eat bite type foods, my coworker wanted to cognize if medifast could work for her children and her adolescent daughter.

There's not much information available on using the medifast diet on children or teens and I knew that children are still growing so it probably was not a good thought to severely curtail or restrict their calories. But I also knew that some of this diet's nutrients are very carb and bite like, and I knew that she was having problem controlling the bites that her children ate. In particular, the children were very affectionate of debris nutrients and candy.

A visible light bulb went off in my head. I figured maybe we could begin with just encouraging the children to eat a medifast bar, pudding or shingle when they reached for a debris nutrient snack. In essence, we were trading the high sugar, high gram calorie candy parallel bars and fast nutrients for something equivalent from the diet's offerings. Since these children snacked respective modern times per day, we were saving a batch of calories this way. Initially, we left their regular repasts alone, just using medifast as bite substitutes. We ordered one assortment bundle (and are getting ready to tell another) and this lasted us a good while and was not much more than expensive than debris food.

The children handled this pretty well. Luckily, most of the medifast bite nutrients are really good, so it was not a large stretch to eat a protein barroom rather than a candy barroom or medifast pudding or crackers rather than chips. We always made certain we took the nutrient out of the negligee so they didn't have got to walk around advertisement they were eating diet foods.

The children started to see some consequences after lone a few weeks. As their enthusiasm increased even more, we decided to see if we could replace more than than of their day-to-day empty calories with medifast. However, we were very careful not to curtail their calories or nutrient choices. Basically, we added one medifast component at every repast and had them eat that in improver to and before their regular meal.

For case for breakfast we would offer them medifast burgoo or eggs to start. They would eat that and then if they were still hungry they could eat their regular sugary cereal grass breakfast if they wanted. For lunch, they'd have got the diet's soup or chili con carne before they dove into the pizza pie or burgers. (We'd pack this in a thermos bottle so no 1 knew they were eating diet food.) And we started preparing thin and greenish repasts for dinner. We still allow them eat a spot of their regular favourite nutrients at dinner, but just not nearly as much.

What we hoped would go on did. The children got filled up on medifast so they didn't eat as much of their debris and low quality nutrients and they go on to see really dramatic results. The teen is now able to ego modulate what she eats and have cut out a batch of junk. We still don't let them to trust solely on the diet for their calories. That may be too drastic for kids, but the teen in peculiar is now making really good picks with the nutrient that she eats in improver to medifast.

I believe the ground this worked is because the medifast bite nutrients are really dainty and child friendly and we never restricted what the children ate. We never told them they couldn't have got anything. We just had them eat medifast first. We were adding nutrient instead of taking it away, but by doing this, they were actually eating less bad nutrients because they were filling up on medifast.

I would never advocator replacing medifast for a child or teen's entire caloric intake. However, in this case, substituting the diet's nutrients for debris nutrient bites or mediocre nutrient picks have been quite effectual and much easier than I thought. My coworker is very thankful and is now on medifast herself.

Art Activities For Kids

2008-02-26T10:50:00.001-08:00

All children are artists, while some develop their accomplishments to great extents others merely acquire past the first level. Hence it is all up to parents to promote their children towards art.

In Republic Of India fine fine art is given equal importance along with other subjects. In fact it is one of the of import topics in school with simple diagnostic tests held to sort pupils to the adjacent level. But it all gets with the involvement developed at a legal tender age. You can stir your kid by bringing him or her wax crayons and colour pencils to get with.

Once they can manage a brush, gift them H2O colors and go forth them free to paint what they want. Bash not have got any outlooks from your kid as it defuses their interior strength. You can sit down along with your children while image and pull a different picture altogether. So if your child is drawing scenery, you pull human figs and usage completely different colours. Bash not compare their drawings with anyone it discourages them for the adjacent time. You can add some exhilaration to fine art activities for children by taking them outdoors. Let them take in fresh air and acquire some fresh ideas.

Paper trade is also a great fine art activity. You can set up your child's originative on the walls or in the showcase, so your small 1 experiences proud of his or her creation. This promotes them to acquire better and work harder. Cane is also a great weaver and can be crafted into vases, handbaskets and small creations. Girls can be taught knitting and crochet, soon they can acquire expert and gain an other income by designing blouses, frocks and bed sheets which are always in demand. Boys too can be taught basic short and long stitch, hemming and button stitching so they can be independent when they turn up.

Building blocks and creating figs from clay are also a merriment fine art activity. It develops the kid and allows them flex the head the manner they desire it. This activity also constructs the logic and common sense in a child. He is able to understand what suits into what and how a basic construction should look.

Organizing fine art related games peppinesses up the ambiance for your kids. You can name in the vicinity children and have got a subject for the competition. It should be a friendly competition with no twines attached. And if you do not desire to make clean up the messiness once it's done, then make it clear at the beginning that the children will have got to be a portion of the cleaning, after the competition.

Invention is the babe of new ideas and if you allow your children travel wild with their thoughts, then they too acquire inventive. Let them to do their ain playthings by using different parts of other toys. Brand a frock out of a newspaper. Trade a taper or do woolen friends. Rich Person you ever thought what you can do out of jar lids. Let your children travel wild with thoughts like, taper holder, whirling wheels, tops, caps and more. In fact the possibilities are eternal with points that have got multiple uses. So think of an point and allow your children acquire introduce with their fine art ideas.

Howard Stern Getting Uncensored

2008-02-18T10:56:00.001-08:00

Once the male monarch of over the air daze radio, Leslie Howard Stern is now available lone on Dog Star radio. Leslie Howard Stern's move helped do Dog Star more competitory with its head rival XM radio. If you were to subscribe to Dog Star only for the Leslie Leslie Howard Stern radiocommunication show, make you believe it would be deserving the cost?

You would if you like Howard stern. For right around 50 cents a day, you can have got the Leslie Howard Stern show on Dog Star for four hors every day. The show characteristics irreverent and, in some cases, off the charts funny, wit that volition maintain you in stitches. Whether you bask hearing Artie Lang talking about his many addictions, or pornography stars talking about their careers, there is never a dull minute on the Leslie Leslie Howard Stern show.

One of the best things about the Howard Stern show being available lone on Dog Star is that the show doesn't confront the same kinds of examination and pressure level to maintain things clean. Leslie Howard can be as raunchy as he desires to be, deeply entertaining, and never too serious. The deficiency of having censoring to the Leslie Leslie Leslie Howard Stern show on Dog Star supplies a certain freedom that Howard and his invitees wouldn't experience if they were still on traditional over the air radio.

Obviously, if you're set off by disgusting language, raunchy subjects of discussion, and blatantly honorable talking about everything from sexual activity to intestine movements, the Howard Stern show on Dog Star is not going to be for you. In fact, if you didn't care for the Leslie Leslie Howard Stern show when it was broadcast on tellurian radio, you probably won't care for it on Sirius, because this version of the show is more than than than raw, more edgy, and, frankly, just more Howard than the former embodiment of the show. But, if you liked Leslie Leslie Howard Stern before, you are probably going to love him even more than on Sirius.

Another large fillip of the Howard Stern show being sole to Dog Star artificial satellite radiocommunication is the fact that there are just six proceedings of commercial messages each hour. This makes an incredible flowing to the show that you just didn't wager when Leslie Howard was on traditional radio. All of these things together add up to an A+ reappraisal of the Leslie Howard Stern show on Sirius.

Kids Come in All Shapes and Sizes (And So Do Their Beds) - Overview of Different Kinds of Kids Beds

2008-02-14T06:50:00.001-08:00

Every child is different, and no two children have got exactly the same demands and desires when it come ups to where they rest their aweary small caputs at night. As a parent, it's important you understand the differences between the assorted sorts of kid's beds so that you can do the right pick for you and your child's best night's sleep.

Two for One - Bunk Beds

Though there are many different types of feed bunk beds as well, the general thought of all of them is two beds stacked one atop the other. A ladder on the side or end of the bed lets the kid sleeping in the upper feed bunk safe entree up and down. You can easily shoot the alone personality of each of your children into their feed feed feed bunk bed by giving them each their ain alone bedclothes befitting of their taste sensations and interests.

An interesting fluctuation on a criterion bunk bed is a single-over double, or a bunk bed with a single bed on top and a dual bed on the bottom. A futon feed bunk bed have got a futon bed for its less half.

Bunk beds are perfect space-savers for sibs sharing the same room or children who have tons of sleepover guests. The upper feed feed bunk in a bunk bed should only be used by children 6 old age old and older.

The Ultimate Space-Saver: Potato Beds

For little rooms, the perfect space rescuer is a Potato bed - a bed that you can stow away into the wall when it's not in use. With a Potato bed, you can easily add drama space and/or survey space to any children sleeping room no substance your space limitations.

An Elegant Touch: Canopy Beds

Installing a canopy over a child's bed not only adds a feeling of extravagance and degeneracy to the bed (and the whole room, for that matter), but it also be givens to do some children experience safer sleeping alone in their rooms. A canopy bed supplies an component of shelter and a sense of protection for children prostrate to dark anxiety.

Baby Steps Up to Toddler Beds

If you believe that your child is ready to do the passage away from a cot but is not quite ready to do the leaping to a large kid's bed, you might happen yearling beds the perfect mediator solution. Toddler beds are typically less to the flooring than standard beds, making it easier for little children to safely and securely climb up in and out. Other characteristics of yearling beds

include scratch-proof coatings and curved corners.

Teens 6 Pack Abs - 4 Tips On How Teens Can Achieve A Great Looking Tummy

2008-02-08T09:04:00.001-08:00

Having the perfect pot is what most ego witting teens desire in todays society. Whether its because they are a small over weight and desire to lose a few pounds, or whether its because they desire to accomplish and keep a tantrum and healthy body, teens with 6 battalion ABS are witting about having this type of asset. In this article, I will discourse some of the more than of import exercisings and tips for teens to accomplish their end in getting that perfect tummy.

There are many methods in which teens can accomplish this goal. Some methods volition accommodate you and some will not. It is simple a lawsuit of trying these methods to seeing what works best for you. Below is an exercising and some tips to seek out for yourself.

1. Crunches -

This is probably the more than common exercising you will come up across when looking to acquire 6 battalion abs. This is what you necessitate to do. First, you necessitate to lie down on the flooring with your finger tips touching the temple subdivision of your head. Then as you breath in, left your shoulder and upper dorsum towards your legs about 6 ins off the floor. You will experience an uncomfortable tightening on your tummy area. This is your abdominal musculuses country getting exercised. Then breath out as you slowly convey your upper dorsum and shoulder to the place you originally had them

Repeat this exercising a figure of modern times until you experience the demand to halt and take a break. I would propose that for your first attempt, that you take for 10 repetitions in one session before you take a break. Then you can reiterate that session 10 modern times with small time intervals between each one. If you accomplish this, you will have got done 100 crunches! This volition normally take anywhere between 20-30 proceedings depending on the people current degree of fitness. This is a great exercising and by doing this alone volition aid you accomplish a 6 pack.

2. Try not to eat bad fats -

Eating the incorrect sort of fatty nutrient will seriously have got got a bad affect on all of your difficult work from
the crunches you have been exercising with. We necessitate fats to remain alive, but there is large difference
between good fats and bad fats. If you desire to keep the six battalion you work difficult on, you necessitate to do certain that you are not eating saturated fats. Saturated fats come up in all word forms of fast nutrients like McDonald's and burger King to call a few. So mind of your consumption on saturated fat. The less the consumption the better.

3. Eat more than nutrients that incorporate protein -

If you are serious about edifice your six battalion abs, you will have got to eat nutrients that are rich in
protein. Protein is a proved musculus builder. It can be establish in such as nutrients like fish, meat and the
achromatic portion of the egg. Protein is first-class for boosting your 6 battalion abs.

4. Stay clear of alcoholic beverage -

As a teen its alluring to imbibe alcohol! However, by doing so will damage your intestine and it diminishes
the clip it takes for you to derive a 6 pack! You see it is impossible for your liver to metabolize fat
and alcoholic beverage at the same time. Your liver will first acquire quit of the toxic matter which is alcoholic beverage
first. The alcoholic beverage will ache musculus growing and so it is a negative facet to have got if you desire to
flatten your abdominal muscles. For us men, it will also less our testosterone degree also.

If you can take these tips and techniques I have got shown you, you will do a good start at achieving the pot you want. However, there is more than than to the puzzle, read about a professional trainer with over 13 old age of experience that have got aid 10's of one thousands of people in more and 100 states human race broad accomplish the 6 six battalion they have always wanted! For more than info, chink on the golf course below.

The Ultimate Design For The Single Woman

2008-01-19T04:17:00.001-08:00

You don't acquire to 40 old age of age without your just share of black human relationships - and I've had more than than my just share. I'm giving the whole concern a broad position from now on. After all, what make I necessitate a adult male for?

I've been of this sentiment for a twelvemonth now and there have got got been some modern times along the manner when, as much as it striving me to state it, I could have done with a adult male around.

There was the clip when the auto died and I had to take it to the garage by myself. Respective pathetic lbs later I came away with the feeling that I had been severely ripped off owed to my deficiency of mechanical knowledge.

There was the clip the true cat died and I had to bury her myself. Picking up the cold, stiff organic structure of something I loved so dearly should have got been a man's section (or a man!).

There's the juncture every Lord'S Day eventide when it come ups to putting out the rubbish. A adult male may be unmindful to bin juice but not me and having that poured all over my rug slippers is one of the more than gross things Iodine have got to set up with.

Spider catching now come ups down to me. Launching a java tabular array at the eight legged monster running across the sofa carpet is a small over the top I am told, but they didn't see the size of it!

Last night's incident involving a cork prison guard and a corked bottle of vino just tipped me over the border and I experience the demand to act. I pass the adjacent few hebdomads formulating my program to set an end to mine, and other women's singledom dilemmas.

I believe a new designing is called for. One that doesn't scratch, moan, snore, turn a suds abdomen and demand full powerfulness over the distant control.

I have got contacted a company that tin aid with my new merchandise design. At our first consultation, we sit down and discourse my idea, formulating a designing that my advisers believe we can eventually patent of invention and mass green goods with industrial designing adaptations.

A 3D mental image first produced demands a small work, I have got to say. A small bigger across the thorax please, a small leaner in the leg please. And for heaven's interest set a smiling on it or I might error it for the existent thing!

The company eventually bring forth a merchandise designing a small closer to what I have got in mind. It looks like a adult male and will be programmable for all the occupations a adult male can make without the socks to rinse and the random toenails left in the carpet.

The company industry my new theoretical account from metalwork. All he necessitates is the occasional oil and pass over with a soft cloth, none of this meat and two veg business. For all the petitions I am going to demand of this product, computing machine solutions are needed to be as flexible as possible.

Firstly my merchandise design, and I will be calling him Gerald from now on, will be programmed with a few key phrases. 'Yes dear' being the chief one, swiftly followed by 'wow, you look gorgeous' and 'no, you're mooch doesn't look large in that'. What else make I need?

General day-to-day activities are programmed into Gerald, bin days, wash day, ironing etc. Also indispensable is the necessary inbuilt tool chest for auto maintenance. Next is the added extras: the electronic bottle screw on the hand, trim sockets in the thorax for utmost ironing anywhere in the house and the other cushioning that tin be applied to the custody for ft massaging.

But my front-runner portion of Gerald's merchandise design? The closure switch. Man, this is merriment - I acquire Gerald to state me all the things I desire to hear while he massages away and I imbibe my wine. Then I take full complaint of the distant control and electric switch him off for the night. Perfect!

How Teens Make Money Online For Voicing Their Opinions

2008-01-09T10:45:00.001-08:00

The chances for teens to do money online have got increased tremendously with the outgrowth of online websites that wage them for voicing their opinions. If you've got an
sentiment about a website, then you can be paid for expressing it. Thousands of such as companies have got hit the market, which are quite acute to acquire to cognize what teens believe about
their products. Not only make they acquire paid for their opinions, they also acquire one thousands of gifts and awards in return.

Many companies develop merchandises that are targeted at teens and desire to cognize what teens think. In return, study takers may acquire one twelvemonth subscription to the merchandises that the
companies produce. All that one have to make is to subscribe up for a free account, make a member profile and share your sentiments with others on assorted products. Could it be any
easier?

For example, if a website desires to advance certain trade names of deodorant, it may inquire the teen members to take studies related to the products. In return, the teens may acquire free deodorants, perfumes, cardinal chains, cadmium holder, shopping go throughs or a new telephone and many other gifts. In fact, they may even acquire cash!

Some of the acquire paid study websites for teens offering merchandises related to travel, trades and hobbies, magazines, food, fashion, entertainment, cosmetics, wellness and beauty supplies, books, posters, and much more. Also, by taking studies in a broad scope of areas, one could easily gain money ranging anywhere from $2 to $125 per survey. Some land sites pay those who take the study an amount as high as $300.

The sentiments that are being voiced by teens about merchandises have got a very great impact on the companies' decisions. Depending upon the sentiments they receive, the companies take the necessary stairway to develop the products' characteristics and do improvements if required. Thus, the sentiments of the teens go very powerful and helpful tool to make up one's mind a company's direction.

When you subscribe up for such as study sites, you may be asked to make a new rank profile. After this, you may be sent a study through e-mail Oregon you may be able to take the
studies on the website itself. As soon as you finish that survey, you could be given another study to complete. This process goes on as long as you're a member of that
site.

When taking surveys, it's very of import to be blunt and truthful. You should not experience hesitating to show your sentiment even if it's going to be a negative one. This is because the study is the lone agency for the companies to acquire to cognize which merchandises have greater demand. Also, it assists them to do up one's mind on the improvement factors that should be
considered in order to develop the merchandises further.

By taking these surveys, teens make money online and they also acquire opportunities to win free prizes, gifts and gift vouchers. Nothing could be easier than this! Get started with
studies right away and fall in the ranks of other teens making money online.

Independence Day Is A Fun Time For Families Everywhere And Can Be More Fun With Crafts

2007-12-16T14:19:00.001-08:00

Many people love Independence Day because it is a merriment and exciting holiday. Kids especially love this vacation because of the fireworks. Bash you decorate your place for the holidays? Why not acquire the children involved and allow them assist decorate? They can make this by making crafts.

One Independence Day trade that they can have got merriment with and is easy is wax crayon scratching. You will necessitate to have got got wax crayons of all colours but it is very of import that you have a achromatic crayon, achromatic paper, paper cartridge holders or a used up pen. The children will necessitate to pull assorted designings on the paper. Brand certain they colour darkly with all of the colours that they use. Once the paper have got been all colored in you desire to have the children colour over the whole page with achromatic crayon. It is very of import that you have got the children fourth estate down difficult when they colour with the achromatic crayon. Once it is all colored the children can utilize the paper cartridge holders to abrasion out their ain fireworks.

Another 1 that all children will bask is torches for Independence Day. You will necessitate to have got old newspapers that you can revolve into a big cone shape. The children can paint the cones anyway they desire to. When it is dry they can set reddish and yellowish tissue paper into the cone so that it looks like flames. Then they can be the Statue of Autonomy and observe this vacation in a more than merriment manner for them.

Operation Pull Your Own Weight and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Kids

2007-12-05T01:50:00.001-08:00

Four 4 old age at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School in Davenport Iowa Iodine designed, organized, coordinated, and promoted a childhood fleshiness prevention, ego regard sweetening programme called Operation Pull Your Own Weight. The programme was successful in a assortment of ways, and you can read about them in a assortment of places.

But for the record, there was one specific goal, 7 specific wonts that helped children attain their goals, along with one concluding challenge of which anyone aiming to reduplicate this programme should be aware. Without additional bustle here's the 1 goal, along with the seven habits, and the concluding challenge of Operation Pull Your Own Weight.

The Goal is to be a small stronger this hebdomad than you were last week, to be a small stronger this calendar calendar month than you were last month, and to be a small stronger this twelvemonth than you were last year. If you carry through this threefold goal, you'll go a victor in the game of life!

The 7 Habits that do children stronger every week, month, and twelvemonth include...

1. Exercise regularly

2. Eat right

3. Get adequate rest

4. Avoid tobacco

5. Avoid alcohol

6. Avoid drugs

7. Take duty for doing these things yourself because cipher else can make them for you. It's all up to you.

The Concluding Challenge: Once the seven wonts are incorporated into a kid's lifestyle, the concluding challenge is to assist two other children larn to draw their ain weight just like you now can. You'll be amazed at how strong beingness able to carry through this challenge do YOU feel!

An Challenging Sidebar

And possibly the most interesting fact is that when children use this 1 goal, these seven habits, and this concluding challenge to anything, including reading, writing, and arithmetic, they will go stronger every week, every month, and every twelvemonth in those areas, and victors in the game of life.

Proper Kids And Youth Training Essential For Safe ATV Riding

2007-12-01T11:56:00.001-08:00

Patience, first of all, is required. Breathe in....breathe out. Good. Now make that 10 modern times and you're cook to revolve with the children and young person on your ATV preparation program. Americium Iodine stretching the truth a little? Sure, a little. But once you begin preparation your children on how to sit ATV safely and properly enough, you'll soon see that I am right on the stud for this one. It's great that quadruplet horseback riding have seen enormous growing over the old age and there are more than than and more people and children choosing to sit ATV at trails and paths alike. But there are still the minor grouses we have got to be concerned about....like safety and how there's an alarming rise in the figure of accidents involving naïve children and foolhardy (and drunk) people on ATVs.

I've often thought of quadruplet horseback riding as a household activity....yes, and a agriculture one, and it never occurred to me that people could toss an quadruplet over in the air like those in the utmost athletics thing? Never! My father used to chase after cattle on ATVs and convey in the maize too...sheesh! But with so many people choosing them as their preferable vehicle of choice, it's important for people like me and you to give the children proper preparation on how to utilize their ATVs properly. The young person should, of course, wear proper protective gear....no statements about that one! They reason and I take the ATV away from them. Secondly, children and young person should only sit in popular, well-known and well-maintained trails and tracks. Those unsafe ones, we can go forth it for the grownups since we're in a better place to make up one's mind what to make when there are unexpected obstacles.

For a kid, I don't mind buying a trade name new ATV or a mini electricone like those Peg Peregos. They're not fast adequate or unsafe adequate to give me a relentless headache. For a youth, I don't mind getting the young person a second-hand 1 for a very good ground (provided the second-hand young person quadruplet is in batch condition)...youths are unsmooth animals and they botch the ATVs very quickly. For the acquisition curved shape bit, I would utilize a used young person quadruplet and then later on, when they go better at handling their young person model, I would put in a trade name new one....IF THEY ASK FOR IT. Where teens are concerned, I would rather put in a ATV preparation course of study too because I can only make so much to strike hard the regulations into his or her head. With a instructor and professional trainer, things are a small spot different.

Strange that children and young person would rather absorb the same information from a complete alien than learning from you, but if it works for them and the children and young person are willing to larn proper ATV horseback riding techniques from the Pro, then by golly, it works for me too!

Clues, Humor and National Anthem Information - OurSports Central (press release)

2007-11-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

Manatees fans, most of our staff will be in Capital Of Tennessee attending
Baseball Winter Meetings until Friday of adjacent week. Our concern offices will
be open, however, business minutes will be limited. We will be
back at full strength on Friday, the 7th.

Going back to hoarded wealth hunting...here's a couple hints to maintain you looking:

Number Two

If you're travelin' after tray

The Tropic headin' to northwest

Drawn out by DeLorme

88 prob'ly be yer the best.

Number Three
The figure be partly hidden now

By ornaments on th' wall

But th' figure ye'll happen somehow

Or the guard will do a call.

Many of you sent in some wit this week, so let's travel to the mail bag.

>From Texas:

I cognize the political commercial messages usually drive people nuts with the
mudslinging, but here's our ballot for the funniest presidential
commercial out there. Thank goodness person have a sense of humor:
http://www.break.com/index/chuck-norris-picks-a-candidate.html

>From Wisconsin:

Being that you're a Brewers Child League (Baseball) team, I wanted to
send you a Wisconsin River River (Cheesehead) diagnostic test to see if you and your staff
could relate.

Well, as a former Wisconsinite, I can nod my caput to most of the items
on the list, so yes, we'll forward them on to our readers for today's
laugh:

YOU might be A Wisconsinite WHEN:

1. Your thought of a traffic jam is 10 autos waiting to go through a tractor on
the highway.

2. "Vacation" intends going up North past times Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measurement distance in hours.

4. You cognize respective people who have got hit cervid more than once.

5. You often switch over from "heat" to "A/C" inch the same twenty-four hours and back again.

6. Your whole household have on Packer Green to Christian church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 miles per hour through 2 feet of snowfall during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing disguise at societal events (including
weddings and funerals ).

9. You put in security visible lights on your house and garage and go forth both
unlocked.

10. You believe of the major nutrient groupings as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You transport jumper cablegrams in your auto and your married woman or girlfriend
knows how to utilize them.

12. There are 7 empty autos running in the parking batch at Mill's Fleet
Farm or Menard's at any given time.

13. You designing your kid's Hallowe'En costume to suit over a snowsuit.

14. Drive is better in the wintertime because the chuckholes are filled
with snow.

15. You mention to the Packers as "we."

16. You cognize all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still wintertime and
road construction.

17. You can place a southern or eastern speech pattern as soon as the
person gets speaking.

18. You have got no job pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You see Minneapolis exotic.

20. You cognize how to polka and also cognize it's the state dance.

21. Your thought of originative landscape gardening is a statue of a cervid next to
your bluish spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal imbibing age.

23. Down South to you intends Illinois.

24. A terror is something you eat.

25. Your neighbour throws a political party to observe his new pole shed.

26. You travel out to fish Fry every Friday night. More often than not
it's roost or walleye.

27. Your 4th of July field day was moved indoors owed to frost.

28. You have got more than statute miles on your snowfall blower than your car.

29. You happen minus twenty grades "a small chilly."

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Wisconsin River friends.

Win a Stand Up Comedy Talent Show

2007-11-26T18:40:00.001-08:00

If you believe you are amusing and good at telling jokes, you could win a base up comedy endowment show. What's the first two of import ways to win:

1. Get an enactment that includes jokes, not just a twine of jokes

2. Rehearse, rehearse and rehearse

People are much more than willing to listen to a narrative than a joke. The narrative could be that old 1 that gets 'As I was coming to the club/pub/theater tonight....' but don't begin with those words.

Or it could be about something that happened to you on vacation, when you got stopped for speeding, when your mother-in-law came to visit, or whatever. The narrative necessitates to be full of jokes, but you can maintain the laughter coming.

Record your rehearsals

How make you rehearse? In presence of a mirror, while recording - preferably with the same kind of microphone you will have got on stage. That manner you acquire used to the mike, and you will larn what do the sound degree alter. If you desire to make it more than realistic, acquire some very powerful visible lights and set them where they indicate at you - just like being on stage.

How do you stand up out? Well., you can make a batch worse than wear some odd clothing - you are there to be amusing so why not look funny? You can also gesture in an odd manner or walk in an odd way. Bash something different - but do certain that your gags work.

You also necessitate a few fast ones of the trade to acquire your enactment going, and some aid with timing. I urge you confer with an expert for this, and one of the best I cognize are the Stand-up Comedy Fast Begin Usher and the Comedy Timing Secrets. Get this and you will have got a caput begin on the competition, and could well start a new calling by winning a Stand up Comedy Endowment Show.

Pink - Like the Color

2007-11-20T23:52:00.001-08:00

Yep, that's my last name - Pink. Let me add that it's my married last name.

When I first met my husband, we were on our first date. He mentioned that I hadn't even asked his last name yet. He said it was a color. I sarcastically said, "Fuschia". Little did I know I was so close...

When we got engaged, people that I worked with would just laugh when they found out my last name was going to be Pink. One guy even came up with a great joke:

"What nationality is Pink?" (I know you are dying to know this one....)

"Crayola"

Ha ha.....Actually, when I ask my husband what nationality it is, he has no idea. I am guessing it's short for something like Pinkowski or something and when his family came to Elis Island, someone just shortened it.

As we approached our wedding day, I tried to talk my husband into taking my last name. I thought he would be thrilled. I mean, how manly is the last name "Pink"??? He wasn't having it. My sister-in-law told me that was one of the best things about getting married - losing the last name of "Pink".

I asked him if he got made fun of a lot as a kid with that last name. All he would say was that he spent a lot of time in the Principal's office. Go figure....

After we were married, I wouldn't wear ANYTHING pink. I hated the color.

We are easy to find in the phone book. You can imagine that there aren't a whole lot of other "Pinks" in the area.

What is most annoying is that when you tell someone that's your last name, they ask how to spell that. They think that there is some trick or something. Yeah, there's a "z" in there, but we don't pronounce that. To make things easier, when I tell someone my last name, I just automatically say, "like the color". People at work laugh when they overhear me saying that, but it's really just easier.

We have been married for 6 years now and have 2 girls (thank goodness). I now embrace the last name of "Pink". I love it. Even my husband appreciates it more now. We are going to get bowling balls for our league and he has mentioned getting a pink one too.

In closing, yes, my last name is Pink....Like the color.....

Humor - Taking Your Jokes to the Next Level

2007-05-22T16:26:00.001-07:00

Often as comedians we stop short in the humor writing process. We find the funny and move on. We walk away not realizing the gem that lies waiting just a breath away – that element that will take the joke from funny to genius. I can speak from experience because I've been stuck in a pattern of quitting too soon.

How do I know when I've stopped too soon? Usually my gut is telling me that I found the funny but missed the nugget – an intuition that I have wrapped it up before really cultivating it to the fullest potential. Another way I know is because I see the other comedians who have found their nuggets. I can see their jokes being on a higher level than mine. Sure, I may have found the funny. But they found the funnier.

Think you may have this problem too? Here are some signs that you are stopping too soon:

 You just know it. You have this feeling that you settled for whatever came to you first.

 The joke gets a weak laugh from your audience and you know the concept is funnier than that. You also know that it's too funny to throw it away.

 When you compare your jokes to other comedians' jokes, they fall short.

 Your joke topics fall into that common area shared by other comedians. There is nothing really unique about your joke.

 When you wrote it and came back three days later it wasn't so funny anymore.

 You hear three other people tell pretty much the same joke.

These are just a few signs and I'm thinking if you need any more signs than that I'm not going to be able to convince you in this article.

Okay, so we have a problem? How do we fix it? How do we keep going with our joke? How do we take a joke to the next level? Here is what I've come up with based on my written research, advice from colleagues, and a little soul searching.

 Let your audiences help you. If your jokes are funny enough to use, go ahead and start using them. Then let your audiences tell you what needs to be fixed. This takes time but it works. If I take the time to mingle with my audience after a show, quite often they will come up and tell me ways to improve my jokes, or things that they thought of to add to the joke. I don't take it personally. I've gotten some of my best jokes that way. Let your audiences work for you.

 Walk around it like a crab. Carry the joke idea in your mind for a while. Chew on it, as my uncle Skeeter would say. I usually carry a story idea around in my head for several weeks. Without even being intentional about it, new ideas will come to me until the story idea is much better than if I'd written it when it first came to me.

 Brain Map it. You probably already know what this is, but in case you don't, it's the process of picking your topic apart and finding all related topics. You let your mind go and as you come up with each tangent turn around and find a related topic to that. For example, if your topic is parenting, you would come up with things like childbirth, discipline, toys, potty training, etc. Now you can take those topics and find topics to spin off of them. For example, childbirth could result in: the epidural, what if men had babies, the pictures, who has the worst birthing story, etc. And you can keep going and going and going. You can turn who has the worst birthing story into a competition at a cookout. I have used this process to turn a handful of jokes into a twenty-minute show or a short story. The key here is to let your mind go. Don't look for the funny. Just write.

 Play What-If. Take your topic and ask yourself, What if ….happened? Or what if ….happened? Or what about if …. happened? The key here is to think of unusual things that could happen in your topic. Let's say parenting is your topic. You brain map it and get on the subject of how easy it is to become a parent. What if you had to have a license to be a parent? What if parents could get their licenses revoked? What if you could get your license revoked for doing stupid stuff to embarrass your kids – like wearing black socks and sandals to the beach. What if kids could divorce their parents? Wasn't there a movie about that?

 Insert a Conflict. Things get so much more interesting when a conflict is added to the picture. And how about a second one? And another one? This is the fuel for a good sitcom episode. One mishap is funny. Two is funnier. Three is hilarious.

 What led up to this? Think of what led up to your conflict – the motivations that led to that chain of events.

 Apply other characters and perspectives to your scenarios. What if this happened to someone else? Like the football coach? Or your Sunday school teacher? How would other people see it – people of different ages or cultural backgrounds? You will reach a whole new level of funny if you start running your comedy through the filter of different personalities – especially quirky personalities.

 What and who is going to fix the problem? How could our problem be fixed? Who would do it? What would it look like?

 If it's like this now, what will it be like in the future? Here's a good trigger to get your mind into the process of exaggerating your concept and suspending disbelief.

 What if this happened to me? How would I react?

 Can I relate this to something that is otherwise totally unrelated? Like a lizard with a British accent who sells insurance on commercials.

 Pick up your comedy bit and drop it into another setting. Like kindergarten, a nursing home, Russia, the ghetto, Sunday school, a zoo, etc.

 Swap out animals instead of people.

 Compare out-of-this world to of-this world. Comparing the supernatural to the super normal. Angels and Wal-Mart.

 Group Story. This only works with a group, duh. Start with one person who starts a story. Each person adds on to the story – word by word – or sentence by sentence – until you get to the last person. Good exercise in just seeing what comes out. I heard this is how the GEICO gecko came about.

 Look at the flip side / opposite.

 Can you add dialogue? Act out some conversations as they apply to your topic.

 Weird, Hard, Scary, Stupid. Just in case you've been living in a cave and haven't heard them, these are the four attitude words you apply to your joke. What's weird, hard, scary, or stupid about your topic? Have you tested each word with your topic?

 How are your act outs? Have you looked at how facial gestures and expressions could add to the humor? Sometimes you can get an extra laugh without saying a word.

 Could you write a song about your topic? How would it go?

 How would reporters report about it?

 What would the liberals say about it? The Republicans? Other Movie Stars?

 Have you cut out every unnecessary word?

There you have it. Surely something in here will trigger you to take your joke to the next level. Remember that it takes a lot of writing to come up with something good. And maybe your joke is already as good as it can be. Great. Move on to something else.

I understand that some of these tips will not apply to the joke you are currently working on. But some will. And understand that these are not formulas for writing jokes, they are exercises to get your creative juices kicked up to the next level. By the way, if you have more helpful tips on how to take your joke to the next level, please let me know.

Happy writing!

Humor – Taking the Joke to the Next Level
How to cross over from funny to genius
Part Four in a Four Part Series on Humor
By Kelly Swanson

The Top 5 Types of Losers On the Internet

2007-05-11T15:08:00.001-07:00

If you're trying to build your network on your favorite social network, there are some common type of people out there you should try to distance yourself from. Here are the worst of the worst types of losers on the internet, in my own opinion.

5. The E-Thug

You've all seen this guy. He's the one with a picture of one of his tattoos, guns, or drug money stacks on his profile. His whole profile screams "I want to be gangsta!" with his horrible spelling and terrible abbreviations. This guy is probably logging on from his local penitentiary's recreation room.

4. The Fake Baller

Not to be confused with the E-Thug, the fake baller also embellishes his profile with material objects. However this guy doesn't want to be confused with a thug, he wants you to think he has money out the ying yang as if he did sell drugs. This guy has pictures of watches, cars, and shoes on his profile that he undoubtedly doesn't have. Even if he does have it; it's fake.

3. The Underground Musician

We all have this one on our profile, the struggling artist begging us to listen to that noise he calls music on his page. This guy clearly has no job, because how else would he have the time to spam your page 800 times a day announcing his "NEW TRACKS"?!

2. The Pretty Boy

This guy is more into himself than women, and decided to upload a shrine dedicated to himself on his profile. Ok… we know you work out, put a shirt on! No one wants to see your pecs on their buddy list.

1. The Spammer

We ALL have suffered this loser's wrath and he is without a shadow of a doubt, the worst of the worst on the internet. This guy is trying to sell you Viagra and ringtones around every corner. Why are YOU worried about MY blood flow?! I don't need that crap your trying to sell, Im cool!

Sleep Is Creepy!

2007-04-30T09:16:00.001-07:00

I recently read an article about a British study that purported to reveal a link between the position a person adopts while sleeping, and their personality. The piece was accompanied by drawings of sleeping men and women in cartoon pajamas. They were curled up in little balls, stretched out like a hippie jumping off a cliff in a Mountain Dew commercial -- and everything in between.

The whole thing triggered a full-body shiver.

There's no way to get around it: sleep is creepy. It's not something I talk about in mixed company, because I'm seemingly alone in these beliefs, but I've always felt this way. I remember being a kid and becoming slightly uncomfortable whenever they showed people in bed on Little House on the Prairie, preparing to turn themselves over to an eight-hour minicoma (on the prairie). I'm sorry, but the widely accepted nightly ritual of climbing atop an elevated platform and assuming a state of insect-like dormancy is disturbing to me.

The fact that otherwise bright and energetic people willingly allow themselves to become drooling vegetables at the end of each day, feels like a failure. We, as superior animals, should be above such base requirements by now. It's clear that we aren't yet fully evolved, and are nothing more than glorified praying mantises, walking around with delusions of grandeur. Every night, as I climb aboard my raised dormancy platform, I sigh with resignation, feeling like a monkey in pants.

And have you ever seen a person sleeping? They look like idiots. I have no doubt that Albert Einstein himself resembled Gomer Pyle in a gas leak, while drifting off to sleep. As I put a fresh pillow case on my pillow every six months or so, I see the stains there, created by excess saliva that rolled out of my mouth during my nightly transformation into a lobotomized fool, and I feel shame.

This is no way to live, people.

In addition to all the time wasted to voluntary loss of consciousness, I worry that one of these days I'll go in too deep, and won't be able to pull out on the other side. Sleep is Death Lite, and playing chicken with the grim reaper is, I think, ill-advised. Yet we do it every day. So far I've won every contest, but the odds keep getting longer and longer. It's Russian roulette beneath a fluffy comforter.

Most of us seem to be cocky about it, absolutely sure we'll wake up in the morning, but I know better. Tonight could very well be the night that I'm drawn to the light. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...

And the fact that sleep is not only accepted by society, but also celebrated, concerns me. We should be working at correcting this abnormality. Instead, we continue building homes equipped with special rooms (chambers) in which to assume our freakish science-fiction state of suspended animation, complete with fancy hand-carved hibernation stands.

"How big's your new house?" "Oh, not too big. It has four dormancy chambers, and two waste-elimination alcoves."

We also frequent places of business, like Bed, Bath and Beyond, where one can purchase a whole myriad of frilly, scented dormancy supplies. Dr. Phil might call it "enabling." If we had a grotesque dangling mole on our faces, we'd have it removed, not drive across town to purchase an imported mole cozy. Why are we not seriously endeavoring to eliminate our reliance on the sleep abomination?

Don't even get me started on dreams. When somebody begins a sentence with, "Oh man, I had the weirdest dream last night..." I head for the exit. Thank you for your desire to share, but the bizarre misfirings of your nocturnal brain waves frighten me. You say you were playing Jarts in a jock strap with Willie Mays and Mel from Alice? Well, that's simply excellent.

My wife loves to sleep; she views it as a refuge. She actually looks forward to it, which I find slightly insulting. I'm just the opposite, of course. I put it off as long as possible, and curse its talent for robbing me of one-third of my precious life. Escape can be had with beer and DVDs which, I believe, is highly preferable to wallowing around in heavy fabrics, three feet above the floor. When I finally give in to sleep's evil come-ons, it feels like defeat. Why, if I had an extra seven or eight hours per day, I could rule the world. Or at least watch a shitload of television.

Through history there have been many visionaries who've attempted to circumvent sleep, including Thomas Edison and Kramer, but we generally just accept it as a fact of life. What we need is something that will allow us to stay awake all the time, preferably in an easy-to-swallow tablet, with no adverse physical consequences.

I seem to remember reading a piece on the Internet a while ago, about a half-assed military experiment along those lines. For some reason they want soldiers to be able to stay awake for a week at a time, which seems a tad cruel. But once they get all the bugs worked out, by testing it on gullible college students and whatnot, I'd be interested in getting in on the deal -- far away from the battlefield, of course. It would be like having your weeks Super-Sized.

In the meantime, though, I guess I have no choice but to play along and do my time atop the platform. I do so under protest, however; I want that to be noted.

And in case you're interested, the sleep position I usually adopt is called The Yearner in the British study I mentioned. "People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it."

You got that right, bucko. And that's why I'm writing this at 4 a.m.

Traffic School Quiz - Cheaters Will Be Tailgated

2007-04-26T11:43:00.001-07:00

I recently completed traffic school, after receiving a ticket which I totally blame on the other participant in the infraction: the camera at the intersection.

Brimming with traffic facts, I have selected five of the most important quiz questions and provided them below as a little refresher course for you, my fellow driver. I know you are a very busy person, so I recommend you print out this quiz, and the next time you have a few spare minutes, like when you are stuck in traffic, please fill it out.

1. If two vehicles arrive at an intersection at the same time, the driver _________ has the right of way.

a) who didn't stop

b) who is reloading

c) with the best agent

d) -less car

2. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that 25% of crashes each year involve some form of driver distraction, like cell phone use, and the other 75% involve:

a) people putting cell phones away

b) people completely focused on the road who are attacked by pelicans

c) liberals listening to Rush Limbaugh

d) Rush Limbaugh

3. Motorcyclists are involved in a large number of traffic accidents because:

a) motorcyclists are worth 10 points

b) it is hard to see motorcyclists when you are on a conference call

c) motorcyclists only have the two wheels

d) bees are attracted to leather pants

4. High beam headlights may only be used when:

a) you are high on Jim Beam

b) Rush Limbaugh totally cuts you off

c) you need to communicate with the mother ship

d) the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we'll see

5. What causes more deaths in the U.S. each year than motor vehicles?

a) dying

b) watching "Super Nanny" while in possession of a firearm

c) playing ultimate circular saw blade Frisbee

d) pelicans

By studying the rules of the road, I re-learned some very important things. For example, your car's horn should only be used to warn other drivers of a possible danger, like the fact that you will kill them if they don't get out of your way.

So I promise never, ever again to drive stupidly, endangering others with my self-centered habits. Being late to work is not the worst thing in the world.

That would be traffic school.

Now roll down your window, pass this to the driver on your left, and see how you did.

A Dotty Ditty Including Feet

2007-04-24T09:46:00.001-07:00

It was Eddison or Einstein, or some other genius whose name begins with an 'e' who said genius is one per cent inspiration and 99 per cent perspiration. Of course none of them wrote poetry. Even less funny poems. At times the inspiration packs its bags and goes on holiday, and all that is left is perspiration.

So I would love to compel your sympathy by explaining how how I have agonized over each golden word of this poem, cried over every beautiful phrase, and burrowed for the perfect rhyme, rhythm and meaning. How much know-how has gone into the use of the tools of the trade of word smith. How many cups of coffee have have been my only companion on sleepless nights.

I'd love to, but I can't!

Sometimes, writing funny poetry, the words just fall into place, seemingly wandering in off the highway of ideas as though looking for a seat in the shade to take the weight off their feet. (And I don't drink coffee either!) That seems to apply a lot to my dotty ditties; and here is one of those that mentions feet.

dotty ditty 113

Do You Walk With Your Feet?

Do you walk with your feet

On the pavement or street

And greet who you meet

On the way?

Does your head bounce around

With each step on the ground

(Well, that's what I've found),

And you sway?

Do you see each fresh sight

In a very new light

When spring is in flight

And it's May?

Well, you must be a friend,

So this message I'll send:

To be happy do tend -

Every day.

The Heir on the Dog

2007-04-19T08:12:00.001-07:00

I try to avoid the political arena as a rule, but as a concerned parent, I'm furious with this government's education policy. It makes my blood boil to see numeracy, literacy and religious tolerance dominate the curriculum, while tenuous football related analogies remain conspicuous by their absence.

The children could do a lot worse than watch the video of Chelsea's FA cup semi-final win over Blackburn. If the little brats can't be inspired by the reconciliation of Mourinho and Abramovich as a result of the beautiful game, they may as well go and sew trainers for a living as further education would prove a waste of time and money.

I was hugely excited by the news that Roman shared a hug with Jose; it's been quite a while for me. I'm embracing the 4/7 for a Chelsea win over Newcastle.

The majority of the young lads would undoubtedly benefit from this revolutionary educational concept, and I'd even consider showing the tape to the girls if a strong grade in home economics has been achieved. Spurs versus Arsenal is be the embodiment of equality, the draw is an outstanding 23/10 shot.

It makes economic sense to look after the kids of today, as you never know when you'll need a cheap car stereo in the future. The 10/11 for Bolton to beat Reading is another example of value for money.

Charlton v Sheffield United could well be the greatest domestic dust-up since the Scottish war of independence where the English and the Sweaties went toe to toe in an epic battle. I'm no history buff, but as Scotland remained an independent nation at the end of the skirmish; I'm assuming England won quite comfortably. Charlton can follow suit at 23/20.

Mohammed Al Fayed may have taken a huge gamble appointing a caretaker manager at the business end of the season, but Sanchez is oozing confidence. "They said I couldn't beat Spain, couldn't beat Sweden and couldn't beat England; I've proved the impossible is possible." He's quite an articulate Lawrie. A driven Fulham can share the spoils with Blackburn at 23/10.

I can't foresee a Wigan goal at Anfield; the Scousers have been tighter at the back than Lee Hughes all season. Liverpool should take all three points at 4/9.

We all have people we admire. Some dig Mandela, others like the cut of Jesus' jib. Personally, I have a lot of time for Aidy Boothroyd. The Watford manager has remained upbeat throughout a disastrous campaign; Manchester City can land another blow at 17/10.

I have the utmost sympathy for Andy Johnson. On recent evidence, the England striker would need to be repeatedly pommeled with a baseball bat for the referee to even consider awarding a penalty; and that may not be enough at Old Trafford. West Ham can inflict a little pain on the Toffeemen at 6/4.

Aston Villa are finishing the season as they started; if it wasn't for that little six-month sticky patch in the middle they could have been contenders. The Villans are unbeaten against Pompey in their last six meets, the O'Neill revolution will continue at 5/4.

Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a new five year deal worth a reported £25m. That kind of money could go a long way to eradicating world hunger, although it would probably be easier to just ask Mark Viduka to donate his snacks. Manchester United will devour Middlesbrough at 1/5.

Rio Ferdinand limped out of the FA cup semi-final feeling his groin; confirming my suspicions. Luckily, the injury is not as serious as it first appeared; Rio can add a clean sheet to a United win at a more appetising 4/7.

Bolton, Charlton, Manchester City and Aston Villa form a 21/1 weekend accer that is so forthright; Prince William had finally explained why he binned Kate Middleton. "She's friendly, she's good with figures and her vocabulary is impressive, but the bint can't boil an egg," mused the astute part German future monarch.

A Soccer Folly

2007-04-17T07:42:00.001-07:00

PARENT VS. REFEREE; PLAYER VS. PLAYER; PARENT VS. PARENT

The game started off with a group prayer in the middle of the soccer field. Each player beside her soon to be opponent. Prayer is a hard thing for me. It seems to be most often used as a wishing list. But, seeing the game started this way did make me feel good. (Of course, a group hug would have worked just as well. . . for me.)

Before I begin the Follies, I would like to pose a rhetorical question:

Have you EVER in any sport from pee wee to college seen a referee/umpire . . . any official, change a call because of something a parent yells from the side line? EVER?

The answer is NO.

Such it was on this particular sunny day in the middle of No Man's Land Kansas.

The referee WAS among the worst I have ever witnessed.

At first his bad calls had no bias. But, to the misfortune of my daughter's Lazers team, there pacing the sidelines was one particular parent who was feeling a little God like. He knew what SHOULD have been called (every time) and he was not afraid to share this information with the referee. (And as you might have guessed, in his world the Lazers had a perfect game with no fouls, no off sides, no trapping the ball, etc.)

Eventually, it was hard to get a call in favor of the Lazers; that is just how it works. It was inevitable with the God Like Lazers Parent continuously shouting at the referee.

Selfishly, I was more annoyed with him because he was obstructing every ones view - mostly mine - of the game.
(Like a St. Patricks Day Parade Parent. The ones who follow their child performers along the parade path and stand in front of the people who have been waiting and waiting sitting there on the sidewalk. I look up , because of course I am talking about ME, to watch the dancers and I am butt level with a group of obnoxious parents! My kids are crying and I'm..... sorry, I tend to get carried away.)

As I mentioned, this was one of the most deplorable jobs of refereeing I have personally seen. He wasn't calling fouls. The other team had lots of replacements so they always had a blast of new energy but they didn't have the skills to even turn the ball around on the field. Girls with no skills on the soccer field are dangerous. They just don't have any control. (Especially, if they are bigger.) The opposing team were all over our girls.

Another truth to any game: Not calling the personal fouls makes for a wild game! It didn't take long for the Lazers to become just as reckless if not worse. It is that whole justification thing.

Toward the end of the game, one of the Lazers blatantly shoved her Opponent off of the ball. She "won" the ball and had passed it as the Referee blew his whistle. About the same time, the Opponent ran over to the Lazers girl - who no longer had the ball - and shoved her across the field.

God Like Lazers Parent started yelling, "That is what happens when you don't call the game." Over and Over.

The Referee warned him that he was on his way to the parking lot. He then huddled the two girls in question for a fatherly talk. The surprise finish, the Ref gave the ball back to our team. Man, that broke the other team out of their silence.

The next excitement in this brawl was a call no referee could have won.

Lazers Girl had the ball, Opponent was taller and therefore pushing down on Lazers Girls back. Lazers Girl was now trapping the ball. Tit for Tat; both illegal plays. This call did not play out in our favor. Opponent was awarded the ball. Lazers Girl Dad was up out of his seat - crazy mad having his say.

Now for reasons I just don't know, perhaps the Opponent's Parents had had enough as well, one of the parents from the other team decided that he was going to set Lazers Girl Dad straight. So the yelling began. First from where they were sitting, and then face to face.

Opponent Dad, "You can't trap the ball."
Lazers Girl Dad, "The other girl was on top of her."
Opponent Dad, "You can't trap the ball."
. . . just keep replaying this dialogue and that was about the jest of it.

I wanted to walk up to them and tell them Hallelujah they were both right. That the only foreseeable answer to this problem was for all us parents to storm the field, over throw the Officials and let these two dad's referee the remainder of the game.

Just as I was about to my feet to offer my solution, the parent confrontation turned from bad to downright UGLY!

Opponent Dad, "Just go sit down. Just go sit down. Just go sit down."
Lazers Girl Dad, "I will, your not worth my time!"
Then it came down like the judges gavel from the Opponent Dad, "And you call yourself a Christian."
Lazers Girl Dad. "I am a Christian. I am protecting my daughter!"
Opponent Dad, " You don't need to protect your daughter that is what the Referees are for!"

I had to laugh to myself. We had come full circle. Just as both girls on the field were wrong, both dads that stood before us showing their a$$es, were also wrong.

As Opponent Dad stated, Lazers Girl Dad can't protect his daughter on the field. Besides, she was way past it and still giving her all out there on the field. And as Lazers Girl Dad said, the referees were just plain awful!

The battle was over. Lazers 2 - Opponents -3.

I felt as exhausted as my girl who could barely make her way to the car. Along our way we passed Lazers Girl Dad, God Like Lazers Parent and Opponent Dad who were all huddled together in a group hug.
Amen....

. . . Okay, I made that last part up. I can't help it. I just love a group hug!

Birthday Poems To Irritate Men

2007-04-12T14:55:00.001-07:00

Over the years I seem to have amused and delighted many friends and colleagues by composing funny poems and writing them in their birthday cards. I have now decided to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the world to enjoy!

These rhymes have proven to be particularly popular with women – demonstrating how cruel and heartless the 'gentler' sex can be to the men in their lives. They can be copied into birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, or simply cut and pasted onto an email … in fact they can be used anytime someone you know needs cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!

Many of the poems rely heavily on the shortcomings of we poor men; ie, drunkenness, uncontrolled flatulence, lecherousness, good old fashioned plain laziness, inability to master DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff etc, etc. Characteristics which I'm sure apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.

You will see that each poem contains a man's first name, but not as part of the rhyme. In other words, you can easily 'personalise' the rhyme by replacing the name with the name of the person you would like to send it to. (This works best if the names have the same number of syllables. For example, 'Bob' can be changed to John, Dave, Mick, Paul etc; 'Andy' can be changed to Simon, Roger, Alan etc).

For whatever reason you decide to send one, the poor unsuspecting fellow will receive a very amusing rhyme poking fun at some of his - shall we say - less romantic characteristics. A possible side effect is that he may also be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness - but please don't expect him to admit to that. Here they are;

Ian doesn't much like it,

When you tell him he's losing his hair;

And he gets just a little bit grumpy,

When you point out his tyre is spare.

So be sensitive now it's his birthday,

And remember, the man's not bionic;

Sit him down in his chair, don't mention the hair

And pour him a large Gin and Tonic.

John likes booze and John likes women, He doesn't like running and he doesn't like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes eating grub, He doesn't like work but he does like the pub.

Being John's Missus is a pain in the neck, When he dresses up smart, he still looks a wreck! He thinks posh restaurants and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these things are just reasons I love him!

There once was a young man called Laurence,

Who when urinating did so in torrents,

When asked, "Was it Venice

That inspired this menace?"

He replied, "No, I learnt it in Florence".

Matthew wants presents for his birthday, Matthew wants jewellery and cars, Matthew wants to go out to restaurants, And meet gorgeous women in bars.

Well I've got a present for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he's so cool, It's what he got me for my birthday, Coincidentally that's B*GGER ALL!

Nigel is a gentleman, It isn't just a pose;

His shoes are always polished, And he never picks his nose.

He opens doors for ladies, And offers them his seat;

His nails are never dirty, And his hair is always neat.

But when it's Nigel's birthday, He loses all his class;

He has an awful lot to drink, And ends up on his a*se!

Peter when I look at you, I remember when you were twenty-two,

Your hair was thick, your wrinkles few, And you didn't spend so long in the loo!

Robert, on your birthday, I want you to relax;

Sit down and put your feet up, And I'll bring you drinks and snacks.

I'll do all the household chores, And put your clothes away;

In fact it won't be much different, To every other day!

Vince, Vince, what can the matter be, You're turning into Les Battersby,

It's your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!

Alan you know I love you, You're really very sweet;

In fact I'd call you perfect If it wasn't for your feet!

Brian has a problem, He's older than before,

And now that it's his birthday, He feels a little sore.

But Brian shouldn't worry, Or mooch around the house,

Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!

Charlie likes to have a drink, And he's often in a hurry;

But keep your distance in the morning, If he's been out for a curry!

David, Happy Birthday Love, I've kept you dressed and fed;

Now I ask just one thing of you – Please stop farting in bed!

Frank, your birthday's here again, So it's a good time just to sit

And wonder why for the rest of the year, You're such a miserable git!!

Eddie, now you're getting old, And your hair is going grey;

I have some words to say to you, On this your special day.

You're generous, wise, good-looking, kind, And all your jokes are funny;

But the greatest thing about you Dear, Is all your lovely money!

Gary always gets drunk on his birthday, Once he's started, he just cannot stop;

So he usually gets slung out the boozer, And comes home with sick down his top!

Harry's the perfect husband, For 364 days of the year,

But he does go astray on his birthday, By trying to drown in beer!

Tony's very good at doing jobs around the house,

When it comes to DIY you couldn't find a better spouse;

So I thought that for his birthday I would get him something good,

To help him with the patio or bevelling of wood.

Should it be a power drill, or something else by Bosch?

A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher power wash?

But in the end I thought, you shouldn't fix what isn't broken,

So I did the same as last year – bought a ten pound record token!

There once was a fella called Kevin,

For whom being in a pub was just heaven,

When offered a drink,

He didn't have to think,

He would say, "Not just one, I'll have seven"!

Today is Dennis's birthday, And he'll probably go out to play,

I remember last year he knocked back so much beer, He ended up on Crimewatch UK!

Simon likes to go out with his mates, Simon likes to take girls out on dates,

He likes fish and chips and he likes Man United, And Keira Knightley gets him really excited.

He'll go out on his birthday and paint the town red,

He'll drink the bar dry then take cod and chips to bed,

He'll lie there wishing that Manchester was nearer,

Then he'll drop off to sleep and dream about Keira.

Andy don't want no presents for his birthday, Andy don't want special grub;

Andy don't want no cards and kisses, He just wants to go to the pub!

Barry is a nuisance on his birthday to be honest, All the usual types of gifts he doesn't like at all;

If you haven't spent a fortune he'll thinks your present's modest, So this year I've decided that he's getting B*GGER ALL!

Elliot quite likes to party On his birthday, with friends far and wide;

But curiously the next morning, He just wants to curl up and hide!

Happy birthday Timothy, Go out and have some fun;

Keep up your reputation as A Lazy Drunken Bum!

There once was a young man called Chris,

Who was permanently out on the p*ss,

When his birthday came round,

He just stayed in his lounge,

And drank cocoa all night – oh what bliss!

U. S. Seniors Retiring To Iraq Say That's Where The Medicare Money Is

2007-04-08T06:49:00.001-07:00

U. S. senior citizens, noting President Bush's new budget, which calls for billions to be spent in Iraq while billions are cut from Medicare, are foregoing traditional retirement destinations like Florida and Arizona and opting for Iraq.

The numbers reflect a convincing coincidence. Bush's budget calls for $100 billion more for Iraq and $100 billion in cuts for Medicare.

Following up on the new retirement trend, we went to Kennedy Airport and caught up with some seniors who were booked for Baghdad.

"Excuse me," I asked a group of seniors who just stepped off the bus in front of Saudi Arabian Airlines. "I understand you're all heading for Iraq?"

"That's right," a man in Bermuda shorts replied, and reached into his golf bag. He took out a chapeau in the usual mullah fashion. "Got my black turban right here. You know what they say? When in Baghdad, do as the Iraqis do."

"And I have my black burkah," his wife added, lifting it from her purse. She slipped it over her head and modeled it. "What do you think?"

"Very cute," I replied. "You'll fit right in. Can you please clarify why you've chosen to retire in Iraq instead of, say, Miami?"

"Simple, son," a man with a fishing rod, who happened to be wearing a baseball cap on top of his turban, said, "That's where the Medicare money is."

"Not to mention social security," his wife commented.

"The plain fact is, we'd rather eat in Iraq than starve in America," another man added.

"But aren't you concerned about safety issues?" I asked.

"Of course, we are," the man in the Bermudas replied. "But we're in this for the long term and, the way things are going, we can hardly count on Medicare and social security in America."

"We've got to follow the food," another elderly gentleman stated.

"But you could get blown up?" I suggested.

"Oh, we thought about that," the man with the baseball hat on top of his turban replied. "We'll just have to take our chances."

"Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen," a frail man said, raising his fist. "Didn't you read about the 70-year-old fella who broke the neck of the kid who tried to rob a busload of seniors?"

"Yes, I did notice that event," I told him.

"He was a war vet," one of the women informed me, with evident pride.

"Yep, of one American war or another," a senior volunteered with a sigh. "Quite a few to choose from."

"How about suicide bombers?" I dared to ask.

"Bring 'em on, son," the frail senior said, assuming the position of a boxer with his dukes up.

"But aren't you forgetting that most of the money earmarked for Iraq is for military activity?" I asked.

"We're going for the rebuilding money," the man in the Bermudas said. "They're wasting billions. And we figure we can get in the way of some of it."

"And what do you think is going to happen when Americans see millions of seniors, retired in Iraq? They can't just let us starve there, can they?"

"Congress will have to divvy up something for us, and that's more than they're likely to do if we stay in America."

"And something is better than nothing," a woman affirmed.

"But what about the culture gap?" I asked. "Aren't you a little set in your ways?"

"Yes, we are," one of the men admitted.

"I notice the turbans. Do you plan on becoming Muslim?"

"Whatever it takes to get in the way of some money," the man insisted.

"We've thought about it," his wife interjected. "And becoming Islamic is better than not being able to afford medical care."

"Or starving on what's left of social security," another woman added.

"Do you think you'll be able to enjoy the usual retirement activities there, like golf and fishing?" I asked.

"No problem," the man with the golf bag said. "Iraq may not have the best golf courses, but I see there's plenty of desert for sand traps."

"I've noticed a river runs through Baghdad," the man with the fishing rod said. "Got to be something in it besides body parts."

"How about you?" I asked a woman with a tennis racquet.

"I haven't seen any tennis courts there," she admitted, "but some of the sand should be hard enough for the ball to bounce."

"What about a net?" I asked.

"I guess there'll be some sacrifices," she replied, and looked around at the crowd. "But I know one thing. I won't have far to look for someone to play with."

"I brought my racket," another woman called.

"And, if worse comes to worse," her husband advised her, "you can teach an Iraqi how to play."

"Excuse us, son," one of the men said. "We have to move along now. Can't miss our flight."

"We're bound for Baghdad!" his wife almost sang.

"OK," I replied. "Thanks for the interview. And enjoy your retirement."

Adventures Of Drsilly

2007-04-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

In Japan, Drsilly got cervical spondylosis (the big word that means 'neck pain'). He had to bow his neck every time before he could pick up few words. The people around him seemed tiny compared to his height. It is silly but Drsilly says he got nightmares resembling the famous fable of little David who dares to attack the huge guy Goliath. Drsilly left Tokyo.

Drsilly flew to Singapore. It may surprise you to know that Drsilly never went to office or any apartment during his brief stay at Singapore. Drsilly just sat in his room like a prisoner. His friend who was a gynecologist was riding on the elevator with Miss Dickson Ale and after half an hour, he was in jail.

In Singapore the law and discipline is so strict that if a woman complains against you it is considered a serious offense. For the same reason Drsilly did not take his wife along with him to Singapore. He wondered how many life times of imprisonment he would have had if all the complaints his wife had went to the authorities at Singapore. Drsilly once shouted loudly his wife's name in sleep. Was it because he remembered his wife? Probably yes, because that was his last day in Singapore and Drsilly moved to Malaysia.

Drsilly had to stay in a hotel for his friend did not come to pick him up. Drsilly was almost certain that his friend would not turn up when his friend told him that he certainly would be there to receive the great Drsilly. The confidence in the friend's voice assured Drsilly that this guy won't turn up.

The next morning when Drsilly woke up in the hotel he realized that his watch, his wallet, and all had disappeared. "How stupid are these thieves in Malaysia?" groaned Drsilly.
Drsilly went to the police. The cop shoved him away as though he was a slimy nematode. Drsilly used his persuasive techniques and told the police that if they had kidnapped 'him' instead of taking away his shaving kit, all of them would be happy.

"What do we do with you?" asked the cop.
"Let the robbers demand huge ransom from my wife," said Drsilly. "You would be honored by the Interpol for rescuing me from the captives and CIA might even consider employing you in Kansas."

Drsilly of course would be spending all the money before reaching home. Drsilly is a peace loving man. Actually, Drsilly is a dedicated spiritual man. All spirits, champagne to vodka, any type it be, Drsilly can identify by taking a sip. Drsilly is not a thief. He is just using his own money. He would also feel abundantly worthy for the rest of his life knowing how precious he was to his wife. 200 thousand dollars was a good amount to have.

There was a harsh sound. How shall I describe it? Well, the kind you hear when a huge truck is stuck in snow and is trying to pull out full throttle. This sound was familiar to Drsilly. It emanated from the vocal cords of his wife. Drsilly was woken up by his wife and as usual, she had been shouting hoarse for the ninth time.
By that time Drsilly had already received the ransom and was up with a smile.

I confess, that it was the first time Drsilly got up from bed with a smile on his face.

Taming the Wild Dust Bunny

2007-04-01T16:36:00.001-07:00

One pet that is easy to care for and is not demanding is the Common Dust Bunny (fluffus delicus timidus sporadicus (L.)) however it must be captured and tamed. To do so, once you have located one, is to slowly approach it. Do not move towards it too fast or your subject may run and hide further underneath its hiding spot. Should it do so, under no circumstances should you use an object, such as a broom, to retrieve your potential pet as Dust Bunnies are easily harmed. Simply move around slowly to the other side of its hiding place and, working with a partner, gently blow into its hiding spot to coax the timid Dust Bunny out the other side and hopefully into the hands of your partner. You should have instructed your partner to be very gentle when scooping up your new pet.

Care of your new Pet Dust Bunny

Housing

Now that you've captured your new pet, the best place to keep it in is an old laundry basket turned upside down. This way, your pet has a good view of the outside world as well as good lighting, although this is not necessary for your pet's happiness as it can exist in dark places and be perfectly content.

Food and Water

Dust Bunnies are very easy to feed. They exist on a variety of soft, light materials. Your pet Dust Bunny will eat only if taken out of its cage and let loose to roam over a smooth floor in a good draft. Just sprinkle laundry lint, human hair, fur from other pets, small feathers and dust onto the floor, and watch your pet roll around hungrily consuming your offerings.

A delicacy to offer your pet Dust Bunny, but only sparingly as it is very rich, is the lint taken from a navel also known as "belly button lint".

Feed your pet only once a week. If you find your pet is getting too large, it will become lethargic and may stop playing. Its size may also present a danger to your household and guests in that it will shock guests and family members who may leave and never return. (See Killer Dust Bunny, monstera dusticus (L.))

Under no circumstances should you give your pet Dust Bunny liquids of any kind. Doing so is very dangerous; it may cause your pet to become waterlogged and it may either drown or will become so heavy that it will never recuperate even after drying out.

Exercise and Playtime

Your weekly feeding should give your pet Dust Bunny enough playtime and exercise as it runs around in the draft you provide it. Never let your pet outside to play; it is guaranteed that it will escape and you will never see it again. Never put a leash on your pet; doing so may cause bodily harm to your Dust Bunny and it will deteriorate at an alarming rate.

Even if your pet is large enough and needs no further feedings, let it out of its cage once a week to play in the breeze, as always keeping a watchful eye for potential dangers such as vacuum cleaners, brooms, mops, other pets and people walking within the room.

Companionship and Reproduction

Pet Dust Bunnies do not really require a companion however, if they are allowed to roam in the vicinity of other dust bunnies instinct may take over and they might mate with another of their kind. Doing so will not cause reproduction but will simply create a larger dust bunny (See Killer Dust Bunny, monstera dusticus (L.))

The following items are highly dangerous to your pet:

- human feet, especially those clad in heavy boots and shoes

- vacuum cleaners

- mops

- dust mops

- other pets

- water and other liquids

- fire

How to avoid creating the Killer Dust Bunny, monstera dusticus (L.)

A dust bunny that reaches 3" or more is a potential threat, especially to those who visit. Your guests and family members may not return once they have met your overly large Dust Bunny. Therefore, refrain from feeding the bunny that has reached maximum size. This will not harm it as it will exist on molecules in the air and will no longer require any additional food to survive.

Following these simple steps will keep your Pet Dust Bunny content and healthy, and will assure you of a lovable pet that you can enjoy for life!

Using Good Quotes to Tell Funny Stories

2007-03-29T12:15:00.001-07:00

The ability to tell a good story is an essential skill to learn -- stories are such a common part of everyday life. If you're like most people, perhaps you've wished that being funny could be effortless and that telling memorable, funny stories could be natural. Perhaps you've envied those who can command a listener's attention at will? The good news is that the ability to tell good, funny stories is a skill that improves with practice. Try the following three tips and you'll be on the road to telling humorous stories!

Tip #1: Use good quotes.

Sound bytes and memorable one-liners are a great way for people to be able to remember what you say. For example, you can use a witty quote from a hilarious comedy on TV or a famous line from a movie. Those who recognize the reference will appreciate it since it is familiar to them; those who have not heard the quote before will still find the quote amusing. In fact, they may actually think you are quite inventive and full of wit. Memorize and keep an arsenal of good quotes so that you can bring them out when the occasion arrives.

Tip #2: Be enthusiastic.

Have you ever noticed that two people can basically say the same thing, but one will be received much better than another? One major reason is because of the enthusiasm he or she conveys. Enthusiasm is linked very closely with confidence. As you are enthusiastic while you tell a story, others will naturally become more engaged with what you say. Try to consciously add enthusiasm to what you say and see what results you get!

Tip #3: Don't laugh at your own story.

A simple way to improve the impact of the stories you tell is to avoid showing any sort of reaction after you tell the story. The same principle applies for when you tell a joke. When you deliver a story, simply end with a smile and allow your listener to laugh or respond appropriately. If you tell a story that turns out to be less funny than you hope, it's okay because it won't feel like a failed attempt to elicit laughter. Not laughing at your own stories allows you to tell as many stories as you want without worrying about looking foolish.

Practice, practice, practice and you will develop a reputation as a great, hilarious storyteller in no time.

The Perfect Humor Mentality

2007-03-22T08:38:00.001-07:00

Here's the fundamental truth of being humorous:

You will never ever become a truly funny guy unless you view yourself as one.

And whether you view yourself as a funny guy depends a lot on what you say to yourself on a daily basis. Words are mirrors. What you say to yourself not only reflects your mentality but also provides feedback to reinforce your own perception about yourself.

The technical term is called autosuggestion.

Your "humor identity" is also decided on many other factors, such as:

- Your postures (upright or slouching)

- Gestures (firm or fleeting)

- Facial expressions (blank or lively)

- The speed of your movement (purposeful or flustering)

- Tonality (cadent vs. dry)

..and so on.

Don't you agree?

If you carefully study the behaviors of those funny guys, you'd notice that being humorous to them is not a show that they put up once in a while. To them, it is a way of life... they have already developed the mentality of being humorous, and that's how they're "naturally funny".

This concept is critical.

I hope what you'll do is to become a funny guy and make humor a part of you, instead of trying to act funny only when you think it is necessary.

Of course, if you aren't there yet, you should start with some specific techniques to get rid of fear of failures, rejections and frustration, etc. and keep yourself motivated.

Here's an example:

Many sales people know about this common technique of staying motivated when interacting with clients. It goes like this:

If you know your conversion rate is 5%, and what you're trying to sell can bring a profit of $1000, every time you meet a potential client you should say to yourself, "Great, I've just earned $50 again!"

You can apply the same strategy to make women laugh.

Here's an example:

If you know you can make 1 out of 20 woman fall in love with you with your current humor, just say to yourself, "Thank you for helping me locate the right woman!"

Fun Foods For Kids

2007-03-18T15:08:00.001-07:00

To insure that kids get enough fruits and vegetables in their diet, sometimes we can introduce some foods that are fun to eat. Surprisingly children can get some of their required daily intake of vegetables by eating home made salsa.

Salsa & Chips Make a Great Snack

Ingredients:

*1 white onion

*1/2 bunch cilantro

*3 tomatoes

*1 large jalapeño pepper

*1 small can of chili peppers

*The juice of 2 limes

*1/2 teaspoon salt

*1/2 clove garlic (chopped)

*1/2 teaspoon sugar

Instructions:

1)Wash all the vegetables.

2)Use the vegetable chopper to chop the onion, cilantro, and tomatoes.

3)Set these ingredients aside.

4)Finely chop the jalapeño and the chilies.

5)Add the jalapeño and the chilies to the tomato mixture.

6)Add the rest of the ingredients and stir well.

Wash your hands with soap and water after cutting up the vegetables to avoid getting the hot pepper into your eyes. The whole family will enjoy the Salsa. Use immediately or refrigerate. There is nothing more delicious than home made salsa. You may never get the pre made salsa again.

After the ingredients have had time to blend, the salsa is even better
Milder salsa can be made by substituting sweet peppers for the jalapeño and chili peppers. Hotter salsa can be made by increasing the onions and peppers.

There is an entire daily serving of vegetables in 1/2 cup of salsa.

The best carrot recipe is healthy and one that children will eat. Carrots are rich in vitamins A. Vitamin A promotes the growth of bones and teeth, supports the immune system, and promotes the health of internal cell tissues and the skin.

Finding a way to fix carrots that children will eat may be as easy as the famous Mary Poppin's song " A little bit of sugar will make the carrots go down".

Try this recipe and watch your kids eat it up.

The Best Carrot Recipe

Ingredients:

*1 pounds carrots

*1/2 cup sugar

*1/2 cup butter

*1/2 teaspoon salt

Instructions:

1) Put 1/4 cup of water in the bottom of the pan.

2) Peel carrots and slice into rounds.

2) Put all ingredients into the pan.

3) Cover carrots and cook very slowly.

4) Shake the pan frequently.

5) Do not open the top, let the steam cook the carrots.

6) This cooking process takes about 20-30 minutes.

If the kids will not eat cooked carrots, you can always revert to natural carrots with ranch dressing. Children love ranch dressing. Some kids will eat carrots dipped in ketchup. Carrots are so nutrient rich that however kids will eat them, it is good for their health.

Just a Mow Please

2007-03-13T12:12:00.001-07:00

I would never deliberately hurt anyone or anything – I'm too much of a softie for that, but just recently, I managed to inflict some serious harm. Perhaps I should confess, and admit to actually killing something.

After the recent rains, the grass in my yard was getting a tad out of control. I realized how much out of control the lawn was when I had to launch a safari to locate my letterbox, taking along a week's supply of food and toilet paper. I might be exaggerating about the safari bit.

Anyway, on Friday afternoon, I thought I'd get out my whipper-snipper to cut through the worst of the thick jungle that was growing at the side of my house. It's been quite some time since I had the little tool out, and I replaced the cord with some thicker cord in the vain hope that it wouldn't break every five seconds that it was in use. Perhaps the cord was too thick, or perhaps the whipper-snipper was tired, but whatever the case, I managed to kill it. The electric whipper-snipper began to smell like it was burning and I thought it was because it was simply struggling to get through the thick grass. But after about ten minutes, it suddenly made a strange noise, and began to rattle and it ceased in its pathetic attempts at cutting the grass. Smoke began to issue from the motor, and I quickly switched it off and disconnected the cord.

"Fine!" I thought in exasperation, "I'll just get out my electric mower."

The old 'Flymo' electric mower had always struggled with thick grass, but as I'd already managed to lop back some of the worst of the grass with the dismal endeavours of the whipper-snipper, I thought I might stand a change with the 'Flymo'. Unfortunately, the mower struggled right from the start. Now when the grass is short, the 'Flymo' hovers over the grass and is almost as light as a feather. But when the grass is thick and long, the 'Flymo' becomes more like the 'Flystuck' because it just seem to get bogged down into the grass like its suddenly transformed into an enormous vacuum cleaner.

Valiantly I struggled on, hacking at the grass ever so slowly, making short, hard sweeps through the thick undergrowth. I could still smell the burnt-out motor of the whipper-snipper which I'd discarded nearby, as I toiled and sweated with my 'Flymo'. It was about ten minutes into my lawn-mowing attempts that I began to suspect that something was seriously wrong with my electric mower. The burnt smell grew stronger and suddenly the mower began to make a strange and wretched noise. Then it kind of gasped and died, and smoke began to issue from the motor. I switched it off and disconnected the mower.

I couldn't believe it! I had managed to murder both a whipper-snipper and a motor mower in one day. I hadn't realised that I possessed such an exceptional talent! Would anyone else like to test my skill!?

Big Medicine Caused 1938 Missouri Flood

2007-03-11T17:46:00.001-07:00

Oklahoma, Texas and Arkansas are experiencing a devastating flood, and I want everyone to know I had nothing to do with it. I gave up dabbling in the occult arts many years ago. After more than a half century of silence, I reckon it is safe to admit that I was partly responsible for the Great Arkansas-Missouri flood of l938.

Mostly, though, it was the fault of Chief Kow Tow and Cousin Charley. Chief Kow Tow claimed to be of noble Choctaw blood whose forefathers were forced to Oklahoma Territory reservations many moons ago. He evaded the white devils and stayed behind in southeast Missouri to "make big medicine" for ancestral spirits still haunting the shores of the St. Francis River.

The Chief's real name was unpronounceable. "Kow Tow" was as close as folks could get to the Indian sound. He said his name meant "Singing In The Clouds." Kow Tow insisted he was 100 years old. He boasted that as a young brave he had taken 99 scalps and been promised by his spirit guide, Red Hawk, a year of life for each trophy. Having surpassed his allotment of years, the Chief said he felt obliged to even accounts by taking one more white-devil scalp before he died.

Folks pooh-poohed Chief Kow Tow's threat as showmanship for his business of wooden spoons. Four notches on the handle and pokeberry stain on the bowl was guaranteed to ward off ptomaine poison. People laughed, but shelled out a dollar for a magic spoon --- just in case.

* * *

Charley was not as colorful a character as Chief Kow Tow. Nevertheless, my older cousin had managed to become a legend in his own time. It was during a summer visit to his house that he introduced me to the town's principal celebrity.

The old Indian lived alone in a one-room tin-roofed cabin back in a canebrake. The mosquitoes were fierce but didn't seem to bother him. Kow Tow tolerated visitors if they brought along a little sugar, coffee, tobacco, or whiskey --- the only necessities he didn't grow in his garden or find in the wild. Those people who failed to bring a gift were reminded by the chief of his outstanding debt to Red Hawk.

Missouri and Arkansas were suffering from a drought. Cotton was drying in the bolls. It was Cousin Charley's inspiration that we ask Chief Kow Tow to perform a rain dance. For inducement we invested (my money) in a bag of Bull Durham and a peppermint stick, the old fellow's special treat.

The chief received us cordially enough and heard our request. He sucked thoughtfully on the peppermint before replying. "That powerful medicine. Worth more. What else you got?" After further negotiation we threw in a jack knife, a red bandanna and a Sunday school badge given me for 13 weeks perfect attendance --- my all-time record.

Gathering up his booty, Kow Tow retired to his cabin. Bye and bye he reappeared dressed in a silk top hat ringed with feathers, a frock coat and a red cravat over his usual attire of flannel shirt and faded Levis. Over his shoulder he carried a fringed, buckskin bag decorated with paintings of birds and mysterious symbols. From it Kow Tow took four arrows tipped with beautiful pink and white stone which I now know came from Flint Ridge, Ohio, and was widely traded among Indians for ceremonial purposes.

* * *

The Chief drew a square on the ground and stuck his arrows, point up, at the corners. In the center he set a decorated pottery bowl. Into the bowl he crumbled sumac leaves, willow bark and a few pinches of tobacco from his newly acquired pouch of Bull Durham. "Kinnikinnick," he explained. "Make sacred smoke." Kow Tow began striking sparks from two stones onto the kinnikinnick. Presently a think smoke curled upwards, and he fanned it with a hawk wing. He bent over the smoldering mixture and breathed in the fumes.

"You, too," he commanded. Charley and I sniffed the acrid smoke. It made our eyes burn and our heads swim a bit. Then the old chief took two, gourd rattles from his medicine bag and began to dance around the arrows. "Huh yuh, huh yuh," he chanted as he shook the rattles vigorously. I felt goose bumps rising on my arms. "Geez," whispered Cousin Charley. "Ain't this sumthin?"

After about ten minutes of stomping and chanting, Chief Kow Tow stopped suddenly. "That's plenty," he said emphatically as he gathered up his paraphernalia. We thanked him and left, confident that the long dry spell would soon be over.

* * *

By golly, the next day it started to rain --- hard! It rained steadily for two days and two nights. Off in the distance we could hear a faint, continuous rumbling. "Water's rising," grownups with worried frowns told each other. Cousin Charley and I were scared. It was more than we had bargained for. In the early dark of the third morning of rain there was a pounding on the front door. Obviously bad news.

Uncle Ruppert hurried out of bed, already sensing the trouble. "The New Madrid levee broke!" shouted the messenger. "They need all the help they can get!" Aunt Thelma fixed two sandwiches for Uncle Ruppert and kissed him as he left to join a straggling line of other men trudging along the railroad, the highest ground. "Be careful Rup!"

Cousin Charley and I shivered. That afternoon we swore a mighty oath --- sealed with blood pricked from our thumbs --- never to tell about our visit to Chief Kow Tow. Uncle Ruppert came home two days later --- dog-tired and haggard. He hadn't slept for 36 hours. He had tragic news.

The main levee of the Mississippi had broken but a secondary levee held. Men were ferried by barge across the flood to heave sand bags into the breach. On one of the trips, the barge overturned. Twenty men drowned! There was a score of sad funerals that week in southeast Missouri, one in our town. My guilt was overwhelming.

* * *

Cousin Charley came to visit me a year later and told me that he had gotten into an argument with Chief Kow Tow over ownership of a dog. "That hound took up with me, but old Kow Tow said it belonged to him. I started to dispute him, but he declared, "Don't rile me or I'll make it rain!" "I saw his point right off," said Charley. "That mangy dog wasn't much of a hunter anyhow."

Click here to see this article on Lindsey Williams's website

The Sky Is Falling Faster Than Ever Before Chicken Little

2007-03-09T09:07:00.001-08:00

The sky is falling, the sky is falling and it is falling faster than ever before or so we are told by the mass media hysteria. Oh what is it this time? An asteroid will hit the Earth in 2036, the Mayan Calendar of 2012 or Social Security runs out by 2043? Oh no, oh my, oh me!

Indeed, indeed, that is if you are not blow to smithereens by an evil doer, sneaky bad guy or international terrorist. And that will probably not happen because Global Warming will cook the planet after sea levels rise and drown a third of the human population. Well this will happen to all those who did not die of Y2K or the Bird Flew this summer? Better turn on the Art Bell Radio Show and find out the latest conspiracy theories?

Surely you will die a slow death of HIV/AIDS if Global Warming does not get you before all that. All because you bought an SUV to drive your family around in safety, so that you do not get creamed and die in a car accident by someone driving a Hummer?

You think that is bad, here comes The 2007 Atlantic Tropical Hurricane Season where Mother Nature is going to make up for the mild 2006 Season. Soon you will be blowing in the wind as a Saffir-Simpson Cat VI blows you out to sea? But all is not lost. I did save a bunch of money on my Car Insurance by switching to Gieko?

I certainly hope this article is of interest and that is has propelled thought. The goal is simple, to help you in your quest to be the best in 2007. I thank you for reading my many articles on diverse subjects, which interest you.

Truly False Interview-Condi 734

2007-03-05T09:17:00.001-08:00

Any similarity with real events or persons in this article is purely fictional, even though fiction often times outperforms reality.

"I am really surprised that you agreed to this interview in such a short time, Doctor Rice"

She looked at me without effort, showing off her new contact lenses (Closer Looks, Inc. $279.95) Her desk did not have the usual pile of files, thick binders, flagged reports, e-mails and telephone messages that her predecessor maintained untouched to add to his image of the overwhelmed Secretary of State. She replied:

"As President Bush has said many times, all of us who fight for freedom and democracy must always allow the press to share our concerns, our ambitions and our fears. I think it was Tolstoy or perhaps my uncle Senator Thurmond who said in a memorable address that...."

I was not born yesterday. While my parents always taught me to be respectful with persons of authority and listen politely, I decided that I would not allow Doctor Rice to wrap every answer in her convoluted rhetoric and her superb use of unexpected and enviable avenues of digression, avoidance and even deceit. So I said:

"Doctor Rice, let me make something crystal. Fiction blended with reality makes wonderful scripts for theater or movies, but it makes for empty noise at the State Department. I am not here to listen to the party line. I am here to ask questions and not to receive lectures on patriotism, the greatness of infallible George Bush, the righteousness of the present Crusade and the fine quality of the food served by the State Department cafeteria. I want you to answer the questions truthfully. Just in case, let me remind you that I still have the video and the other tapes!"

My father used to say that covering your backside should not be considered unethical or illegal. Morality demands that we provide ourselves with the necessary armor if we are to survive. In the journalistic profession, this makes a bit more sense than in other occupations.

She turned slightly pale and stuttered:

"No need to get uptight. Keep in mind that I am an important part of the team that is transforming the world from a cesspool of suffering, corruption, envy, tragedy and neglect into a garden where the best human qualities will flourish, where freedom and democracy will guarantee unending happiness. As President Bush is fond of saying. . . "

She can not control herself, I noticed. So I continued:

"Here are the questions. When are you people going to admit that it is time to make a deal somehow and get our troops out of Iraq? There does not seem to be any meaningful policy underpinning our military actions. Was Ted Kennedy right when he suggested over a year ago that you people better prepare a plan to retreat from Iraq? Why does the Administration refuse to join Russia, China, the UN and the European Union in the talks being held with Iran concerning the direction their nuclear program is to take? Or do our War President and Dick need more wars? Are you preparing 'evidence' about another case of made-in-Iran Weapons of Mass Destruction,? Will all this conceal aspirations to control Saudi Arabia, the Gulf Emirates, Libya, Iraq, Iran and eventually Venezuela? Granted that these countries need new political and social guidelines but, strange coincidence, they are the world's top oil producers. Will your gang, I am sorry but I could not bring myself to call it Administration, continue to plow and harvest the gullibility of the religious nuts in this country? Will you have mullahs in the Supreme Court?"

She kept looking at me with a very neutral expression, if that is possible. She smiled seductively and asked:

"Where did you say you keep those tapes?"

UFO: Xrytspet Shows Me a Universe with a Yellow Glow

2007-03-03T10:08:00.001-08:00

I had just finished my article on "dark energy," sent it up to EzineArticles. put an abstract on my blog, and pinged the blog to the world when Xrytspet© from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 dropped in to see me.

Hack Writer: What's wrong, is the FnL7 Time Craft in the shop? I though you would be wintering in Chili.

Xrytspet: That's a piece of crap you just wrote, Taylor Jones the hack writer.

Hack Writer: Writers write.

Xrytspet: Some kids going to read that compilation of false science and think it is true—dark energy being sapped to form matter that rides on the fabric of space which is dark energy again. You are confused, Taylor Jones.

Hack Writer: Okay, Twinkle Bird, you explain dark energy to me.

Xrytspet: The odds of you understanding how this particular universe was formed are the same as your chances of making a buck on the Internet.

Hack Writer: Hey, I got a check for $2.38 from LinkShare.com just the other day. I made over $3.50 during the Christmas buying season.

Xrytspet: Want to take a ride? The FnL7 Time Craft is in your back yard.

Hack Writer: What makes you think I would want to ride anywhere with you after that charade of yours in my garage—laying those bouncy eggs and then stealing my Omaha Stakes from my garage freezer?

Xrytspet: You Earthlings are so gullible, especially Taylor Jones the hack writer. So do you want to know about the universe or not?

Hack Writer: Did you eat all of my Omaha Steaks, the stuffed flounder, the gourmet hamburgers and hot dogs—and what about my beef stroganoff?

Xrytspet: You know I don't eat most months. I got hungry. Coming or not?

Hack Writer: Not! I rather ponder on the universe rather than understand it. The universe is an ephemeral thing. What will understanding the universe get me, Xrytspet? The fuzz on the surface of this globe will disappear in a blaze of fire and who will give two hoots in a haystack?

The next thing I knew I was in the FnL7 Time Craft speeding beyond the speed of light in a direction exactly perpendicular to the plane of our universe. Soon the individual galaxies were only spots and then I could see the whole of the universe. But that was not the only thing I saw. There were a multitude of universes. I was so excited I said, "Let's go see that one!"

Xrytspet said, "If we go to that universe, Taylor Jones, you will be instantly destroyed."

I said, "So that is what an antimatter universe looks like. I guess you can tell by that faint yellow glow."

Xrytspet shook her head and said, "You are such an idiot Taylor Jones the hack writer. That is not an antimatter universe. It would just take us so long to get there that I would be not only tired of your mindless chatter, but hungry again.

I said, "Xrytspet, I think it's time to go home."

The space craft shook and I thought it was going to shake me to pieces. I heard this voice, "You are having a nightmare, John! Wake up!

I looked up.

It was just my wife.

Fit As A Fiddle

2007-03-01T07:47:00.001-08:00

If December is the month for goodwill to our fellow human persons, January is definitely the month to go to the gym and start exercising. Especially for those of us who believe in second and third helpings of 'goodwill.' Before you overreact and do something crazy like put away that box of TURTLES you've been working on all afternoon, pause for a moment to take stock of the situation. And by stock, I mean livestock. Do you resemble any that you've come across in recent memory?

The Rooster: Skinny ankles and legs with a huge gut. Definitely top-heavy but proud that your waist hasn't changed in thirty years.

The Hog: Body is basically streamlined, if you can call a keg of beer 'streamlined.' (About the same shape as a '95 Chevy Caprice Classic. And the same tonnage.)

The Cow: Big lips, huge nostrils, always chewing 'cud.' Adept at swatting flies with your tail.

The Water Strider: A bug so light that it can actually walk ON TOP OF WATER. It also looks good in a two-piece bathing suit no matter how old it is or how many kids it's had.

It is important to look at your body realistically. Ask yourself these important questions: Do I look fat? Do I care? Ok, so I look fat. Do I look sickly, unhealthy fat or just 'soft?' Should I ask my spouse if s/he thinks I look fat? Should I make fun of his/her potbelly before I pose the question? What are the chances of starting a trend where it's ok for people to look bigger than 'toothpicks with eyes' (Ally McBeal) and still be attractive? If that happened, would we see a new Barbie on the horizon? (ie. 'Just had the fourth child' Barbie; 'Figure of a REAL thirty-year old woman' Barbie or 'Cottage-Cheese Butt' Barbie).

And keep in mind that there are specific times at which you should and should not survey yourself in the mirror.

WHEN TO AVOID LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

Never immediately after eating a big meal; never as soon as you wake up; never after meeting a professional swimmer/gymnast/dancer; never while wearing clothes that are too small for you; never when you are feeling the effects of Montezuma's revenge; never after watching a home movie about yourself when you were twenty; never after reading Cosmopolitan, People or any other celebrity magazine; never after watching MTV videos.

THE BEST TIMES TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

While you are lifting a piano; while you are stretched out on a rack or some other instrument of torture; after a two-hour workout; when you are dressed in your favourite outfit. And the mirror is partly steamed up. With the lights off. When you've just spent the day with your grandfather.

My point here is that you don't need to get all worried about how you look when compared to anyone else. You need to be fit and trim for YOU (and your family). And when you do see someone that makes you jealous because of their fine form, do what I do and realize that they, too, are human and have their own problems. Then imagine what those problems could be. Like halitosis, or chronic bad gas or a nervous twitch. Then be thankful that you are who you are. And go lift a piano in front of the mirror.

The Value of Your Credit Score

2007-02-16T04:18:00.000-08:00

By Jackie Beem

What is the value of your credit score? Do you know? Your credit score can open doors for you with the same clout you get from having money in the bank. And it can save you a lot of money over time.

I work as a Mortgage Loan Officer and I have seen the price that people pay for not maintaining their credit health. I see people pay daily in higher interest rates for all that they buy because they haven’t kept their credit score healthy.

Let me give you just a few examples.

Let’s say you purchased a new home worth $150,000. If your credit score is not in good health then at today’s rate you will pay $354 a month more for your house payment than you would have to pay if your credit score was healthy.

And if you did that for only two years and then you were able to refinance, because you had improved your credit scores, you would still have paid a total of $8496.00 more than the person with good credit scores. And, what if you had to pay this extra amount for the full 30 years of your loan, you would have paid $127,444 more than the person that started their loan out with good credit scores.

Think about what you could have done with this extra money had you not squandered it on an unnecessary expense.

The extra expense doesn’t stop with just your house payment. Insurance companies will charge you more for your house insurance because your credit scores are not good.

Automobile dealers will charge you a higher interest rate if your credit scores are low. I was working with a lady on a home mortgage and during that process found that she was paying 24% interest on her car and didn’t even realize it. After improving her credit score just 40 points she was able to get a new car and save $120 a month on her car payment.

Cell phone dealers will require a large deposit before you can have cell phone service if your credit scores are not good.

Credit card companies will not only charge a higher interest rate they will charge sizeable annual fees and may also require a deposit before issuing a credit card.

If you want to borrow money to start a business, send the kids to college or maybe do some real estate investing you will have a very hard time getting investors to extend you credit if your credit score does not deem you credit worthy.

It is difficult to get through life in this day and time without buying anything on credit. Neighbors no longer get together and build you a house. It is hard to walk everywhere you need to go. Cash is not accepted for internet purchases.

If you are a young person starting out, guard your credit score like it was gold. It will serve you well throughout your life.

If you are well into your life cycle and life’s circumstances has not allowed you to keep your credit score healthy then attack that problem with a vengeance. You can turn things around. You can restore the health of your credit score. It will be one of the best gifts you have every given yourself.

If you need to improve your score or you just need to better understand credit scores visit Credit Score Freedom for more information.

Jackie Beem is known as "The CreditLady". She has helped many people improve their credit scores and get a mortgage for the home of their dreams. If you need help visit Credit Score Freedom

Sorting Through all Those Credit Card Deals

2007-01-29T02:23:00.000-08:00

By Morgan Hamilton

A smart consumer always looks around for the best credit card deals in the market. You should look at three or more offers before you decide on a deal, even if you don’t have a lot of choices in the matter. Cards that come with special offers are very tempting, but it is important that you look into the long term consequences. You have to get the information about the duration of the offer or time period, the interest rate, and the long term benefits of having the card.

You may receive offers for credit card deals that only last for a few months. These offers may give a great rate to start out, but things may change dramatically after the deal expires. The interest rate may jump to something that is much higher than anyone else once the deal runs out.

Some credit card deals may offer free air miles or a gift to entice their consumers to sign up. However, there may be a need to look beyond those things to determine the true value of the card. Remember to check the rates, fees, and other details before you sign up for a credit card deal.

Since there are plenty of credit card deals all over the Internet, your mailbox may contain some of them. Save a few of them, and look quite a few up online before you choose one. It is possible to have more than one card, but this option may not be good for you if you are not good with money.

Remember that many of the credit card deals that are available online are either too good to be true, or are only open to those with an excellent credit history. You may have to settle for a higher interest rate if your credit has a few blemishes. There are plenty of options online so you have to make sure that you choose wisely.

Keep your eyes open for an even better deal, even if you think that you have chosen the best of the credit card deals. A deal that is even better might come along, and you may be able to transfer your balance and use a better card. Look for a good card that works for you long into the future.

Morgan Hamilton offers expert advice and great tips regarding all aspects concerning Credit Card Deals. Visit our site for more helpful information about Credit Card Deals and other similar topics.

Why It Is A Great Idea To Get A Student Credit Card

2007-01-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

By Stephen Sikes

If you happen to be a student or are a parent of a student you will want to read this article about the benefits of getting a Student Credit Card now while you are young and not through College yet.

Many of my son’s friends are now getting out of school, have gotten good jobs and are wanting to move out on their own. Well, they all have one thing in common and that is no credit. It is very difficult to sign a lease on an apartment when they say you do not have enough credit and will need a co-signer. This also goes for a house or a car that you as a graduating student would like to now buy on your own with your large paycheck that you have worked so hard to get by going through school.

The problem is your parents probably did not want you to have a Credit Card in fear that you would not use it responsibly or just never thought about it. This is usually a false statement and most late teens and College Students can be very responsible in using a Credit Card if the parent sits down with them and explains the proper guidelines and rules to using a credit card to their benefit.

Many Student Credit Cards have low interest rates and no fees. Some have cash back and reward programs for everyday purchases. The key is to pay off the card each month and to learn how to plan and budget. The Credit Card can also be a good way to teach the Student budgeting and can help track their expenses each month so they can see where the money is going. It also provides a nice report that you as the parent can go through with them and give tips on planning and budgeting. You may learn something in the process!

The main reason is to build up their credit so that when they get out of College they will have some sort of good credit built up in order that they can get loans on their own for bigger ticket items. A Student Credit Card is a great way for them to establish this Credit History early and take on and learn to use them responsibly and to their advantage. There are many great Rewards programs using Student Credit Cards. Why not take advantage of this each month with items they normally have to purchase?

If you are in your last years of High School or a College Student talk to your parents or show them this Article and stress the importance of you getting a Credit Card now to build your Credit History. Just remember that the idea is that you build a good Credit History. Using it irresponsibly can hurt you and your credit history for years. With good planning and bill payment this won’t happen to you!

Stephen Sikes operates http://www.CreditCardRadio.com where you will find the very best Credit Card Offers available in all Categories such as 0% Interest, No fee, Cash Back,Travel Rebates. Major Categories include Business, Gas Rebate, Bad Credit and Student Credit Cards with all the major cards such as Chase, Discover, Visa, American Express and MasterCard. Its Secure, Fast and Easy so Apply Today and Start Saving Money by transferring balances to our low rate cards and start earning Cash Back and Rebates now!

How Many Credit Cards Are Too Many?

2007-01-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

By Kate Ross

When credit cards represent debt, it does affect your credit score; but how? What do creditors think about too many credit cards? Does the balance on those credit cards imply more problems than just the debt it represents? All these questions are asked by consumers more and more often as each day thousands fall into increasing credit card debt.

The Exact Number of Credit Cards

There is not really an exact number of credit cards that you should be carrying with you. However, more than 10 credit cards are completely unnecessary. Moreover, you should slowly replace your credit cards for credit cards with higher amount limits but you shouldn’t keep the previous ones. And you should only do this if you can afford it and your debt to income ratio doesn’t suffer that much.

The idea is that the number of credit cards is not so important. What is really important is the amount of money you owe on them. Ten credit cards with the balance on zero all the time because you don’t finance your purchases and you use them just to avoid carrying cash, won’t alter your credit in a negative way and chances are that your credit history will benefit from such procedure. But accumulating high balances on your credit cards will definitely affect your credit score negatively and scare away new creditors.

Credit Card Balances and Credit Score

What is really important is to maintain your credit card balances within a reasonable range so income to debt ratio (and consequently your credit score) won’t suffer. A reasonable percentage would be anything less than 35% of the credit limit. However, anything ranging from 25% to 50% is acceptable as long as you can always meet the minimum monthly payments.

Any amount above that will make creditors raise their eyebrows when watching at your credit report. This is due to the fact that even if you always pay the minimum payments on your credit cards, too much debt accumulated makes lenders doubt your ability to repay further debt. That’s the main reason why a low income to debt ratio will lower your credit score even if there are no delinquencies on your credit report.

Thus, you should be very careful with the amount of credit cards you hold and always consider that having too many open lines of credit can scare away future lenders that you may need. Thus, if you don’t really use them, if you just have them because they where offered for free, you should close them.

But don’t close all your account at the same time because this will affect your credit too. Instead, slowly replace the credit cards you actually use with those with the lowest APR and the highest credit limit possible according to your needs, closing at the same time, those with the highest APR even if they offer exceptional credit limits.

---

Kate Ross is a professional consultant with fifteen years in the financial field. She helps people in the process of securing personal loans, mortgage, refinance or consolidation loans and prevents consumers from falling into financial scams. Smart tips and interesting articles on this subject and other financial related topics can be found at Speedybadcreditloans.com

New Year’s Resolution – Get Out Of Debt

2007-01-08T02:34:00.000-08:00

By Susanne Myers

Did you sit down New Year’s Eve and made a resolution that this is the year that you will finally pay off all that consumer debt you’ve accumulated over the past year? Good for you, it’s one of the best things you can do to create a secure financial future for yourself and your family. Your next step should be to create a plan on exactly how you will pay off this debt and then of course put it into action.

How Much Do You Owe

The first step toward getting out of debt is to face exactly how much you owe. Sit down and list what balance you have on every single credit card and charge account. You may even want to list how much you owe on your car and house as well to get a complete picture of your entire debt. This isn’t easy to do, but facing exactly how deep in the hole you are is an important first step toward getting out of debt.

Don’t Get Deeper Into Debt

Now that you know exactly how much you owe, your next step should be to make sure you don’t go in any deeper. If you can, consolidate your debt into one lower interest account and get rid of as many credit cards as possible. Those that you keep are to be used for two purposes only: Online purchases that you are able to pay off as soon as the statement comes in and absolute financial emergencies. Other than that, don’t even think about charging something else to those cards. If you are tempted by a larger purchase, make yourself sleep on it. You’ll be surprised how many things you don’t really want or need anymore the next morning.

Be Consistent In Paying Off Your Debt

You don’t have to pay a huge amount of money toward getting your debt off each month, but you do need to do it consistently. Here’s a strategy I like to use. Set aside $100 extra each month and start applying it toward paying off your highest interest credit card. You are adding these $100 each month to whatever amount you have been paying each month already. Once this first card is paid off, you take the total amount you paid toward it each month, and add it to whatever you are already paying toward this second card and so forth. Can you see how this will quickly start to snowball? Stick with the strategy and you’ll be debt free within just a few years.

For more information on how you can get out of debt and make a family budget visit http://www.ourfamilybudget.com and sign up for the free ecourse.

Specialized Needs In Debt Counseling

2007-01-02T03:54:00.000-08:00

By Michael Killian

The consumer that has good credit and/or needs to maintain lines of credit needs a Specialized Debt Management Service and possibly a specialized Debt Management Program (DMP).

There are literally millions who for job protection or expected status or any number of reasons absolutely must maintain credit - nurses, teachers, police and fire officials, city officials, mid-manager, and the list goes on. There are a few counseling agencies that can satisy these needs. But there are many who can not as you read in part 1, Traditional Counseling. You also read that one of one Specialized Debt Counseling agencies was Accelerated Debt Consolidation, Inc. That agency's founder, Jim Young, answered a lagrge number of questions for me to help clarify much of the mystery surrounding the difference between Traditional and Specialized debt counseling. (Please note, I am not associated with Jim or his company for any form of recompense.)

Mike: Jim, what type clients do you deal with? Many of our clients are Doctors, Lawyers, small business owners and professionals that have found themselves in a position where they owe very large balances at interest rates of from 19.9% to as high as 31% and are current on their accounts. While they are in fact maintaining their minimum payments, there is no way that they will ever be able to pay off these accounts at the rates they have and since January of 2006 when new minimum payment guidelines went into effect some are even having difficulty maintaining those minimums. Most of them have these high rates due to the “universal default” clauses in their card member agreement, not because they have been late. These types of clients will often times be discouraged from debt management by some of the old fashioned firms and are told that they don’t need a DMP because they are current and no “hardship” exists when in fact they are in very serious financial trouble.

Mike: Wouldn’t these folks be considered well off? Though they have impressive incomes and are current on the accounts, most have played the balance transfer game and the second mortgage game, which turns unsecured debt into secured debt and have run out of options for paying off these accounts in any reasonable time period. Make no mistake, these people ARE experiencing a HARDSHIP, they need help and there are millions of them in this country ranging from young adults to those in their 50’s and 60’s who have incurred high balances sending children off to college. There are endless scenarios we could tell you about that involve people with good credit in all age groups and income levels that need specialized, custom tailored debt management services.

Mike: What can you do for these folks that traditional organizations cannot? First let’s understand that when it comes to what can be done with interest rates, minimum payment requirements, bringing delinquent accounts current and which accounts can and cannot be handled in the program, THE CREDITORS ARE THE BOSS... it’s that simple. However all major creditors understand that consumers should be allowed to keep 1 or 2 accounts out of the program for business, travel and emergencies. These would include Chase, Citibank, Bank One, Bank of America, Discover and virtually all of the major credit card issuers. We are an approved debt management source with all of these banks and many of them review our policies each year when they conduct a due diligence review of approved agencies. No bank has ever told us that we are required to force clients to close all lines of credit. However when a client does leave an account out of the program it needs to be with a separate bank than whatever bank or banks that they did include in the program. In other words if a client had 3 accounts with one bank they would have to include all 3 accounts with that particular bank in the program. They could then keep an account from a separate bank out of the program for business.

Mike: So I am clear on this, all credit cards do not have to be surrendered? Creditors understand that if a card member travels on a weekly basis for a job or business the client would have to have a credit card for car rentals, business, travel and essentials that one must have a credit card for. Quite simply, each individual bank is only really concerned with their own policies and how THEY are going to get paid back what is owed them. If a client has 3 accounts with creditor “A” all at interest rates of 24% to 29.9% then all 3 of those accounts would have to be either excluded or included in the program. Now let’s say that the client has another account with creditor “B” at an introductory rate of 2.9% that is at that rate for 6 more months. Let’s also assume that creditor “B” offered 9.9% for the DMP. We would not want to include creditor “B” for at least 6 months because the 2.9% would go to 9.9% as soon as the DMP proposal was accepted. It would be in the client’s best interest to handle creditor “B” on his or her own until the introductory rate expired and then add the account to the DMP at that time. If the client were forced to close the account with creditor “B” immediately his rate would also increase just by closing the account. As I said the creditors themselves understand that DMP clients may need at least 1 account to continue functioning properly with a job or business obligations and individual creditors are really not concerned with what a DMP client is doing with other creditors as long as their particular requirements are being met. In the past many firms required DMP clients to include all accounts because it would result in more “Fair Share” for their firm and they would claim that the creditors required it. This is not true.

Mike: What steps generally need to be taken to minimize any damage to credit as a result of the DMP? Contrary to popular MYTH’S that are continuously reported by so called “financial experts” all over the country, debt management does not ruin your credit and is by design a means of preserving your credit. Some creditors like Discover and Household Bank will report “Credit Counseling” or “DMP” on a client’s credit report. That entry on the report will only remain there until the client is finished with the program. The entry itself is put there to prevent clients from obtaining additional REVOLVING accounts while they are enrolled in the program. The entry itself DOES NOT DROP THE CREDIT SCORE. After a client has been enrolled in the program for a significant period like 12 months and we can show a positive transaction history, we can actually use that history to get them approved for other types of credit like mortgages, 2 nd mortgages and car loans. In the past 5 years we have provided literally hundreds of letters to mortgage lenders that have served to get our clients approved for mortgages while they are still enrolled in the debt management program.

Mike: What steps are taken at your firm to minimize credit damage for DMP clients? Once it is determined that a client is going to enroll in the DMP and is concerned about his or her credit rating there are many steps to be taken that require quite a bit of additional attention and work. Jointly with the client, we determine which accounts are to be included that would be in the best interest of the client. This issue involves a lot more than just requiring them to “include everything”…that would be easy. Our counselors first analyze the client’s budget and then address any special circumstances such as the possible need to keep 1 or 2 accounts out of the program for business, travel and emergencies. If the client is maxed out on all of their existing accounts it may be necessary for them to obtain another credit card for this purpose before they get started. This can be crucial for someone that really needs 1 credit card to function because if one or more of their creditors report that they are in a DMP they may not be able to get a card once the DMP is underway”. (note : check with the companies at the following 2 links for best credit card offers) www.debtsmart.com and www.cardratings.com Once it is determined which accounts are to be included, the accounts need to be closed by the client prior to the submission of proposals. This is so the accounts will show as “Closed By Consumer” on their credit report not “Closed By Credit Grantor”. When a DMP client has 10 accounts in the program and they all show “Closed By Credit Grantor” that would throw up a huge red flag to any prospective creditor in the future that checked their report. If proposals are just sent out to the creditors without first taking this step all accounts will show “Closed By Credit Grantor”. Due dates need to be adjusted in many cases before the submission of proposals to prevent any late charges after the client starts making their single payment through the program for all of their accounts. If clients are current on their accounts when they enter the program as most of our clients are, the creditors allow one due date change per year. This can be a bit tricky but we know how to instruct our clients to properly rearrange due dates before they get started to prevent late charges and protect them from being reported late. We disburse payments DAILY not twice a month and we do it electronically to ensure that billing cycle problems do not occur. If billing cycle problems do occur we can get them adjusted once proposals are accepted but handling it ahead of time is the best practice. If the client really needs to be sure to maintain their credit due to a situation where they may be applying for something like a mortgage within a specific period of time some accounts may have to be excluded. An example would be American Express accounts. American Express participates in the DMP however they do not have their own debt management department that processes proposals. American Express farms out their DMP’S to NCO in Ohio. NCO is a collection agency and sometimes accounts will be reported as being in collections rather than the DMP. For this reason some clients that are intent on preserving their credit may have to leave their American Express accounts out of the program. Some creditors require an additional form along with the standard DMP proposal. It is called an Income/Expense Analysis. If these are not completed properly it can result in rejected proposals that in turn can result in late charges. There are many additional steps that must be taken when servicing DMP clients with special needs especially the more sophisticated ones. We have proven that as long as the creditors requirements are met these types of clients can get the service that they need while minimizing damage to their credit and maintaining their dignity”. Handling DMP clients with special needs requires a tremendous amount of additional pre program planning, time and work. This is why most firms do not want to get involved with these issues. We do get involved and that is why we have an 81% retention rate. Nobody has ever left our program for any other reason than inability to maintain the payments completing the program or paying off accounts in full.

Since the above interview, Jim has also passed on the following thought. Since January of 2006 the required minimum payments on accounts through the DMP are now lower than what consumers are required to pay directly to creditors on their own if they have high rates. This is due to the fact that creditors were required to raise minimum payments on revolving accounts under Federal guidelines. This has now created a very sticky and complicated situation when clients begin their DMP because if the proposals are not accepted when the client makes their first payment through the agency, the payment made may be less than what was required to the creditors from the client directly. For this reason proper coordination of due dates, when the proposals are submitted and other factors must be addressed up front to make the clients transition from direct payments to the creditors and their payments through the DMP a smooth one. I recommend folks additionally read Accelerated's Counseling CAUTION Page.

Credit report use for checking Human resources

2006-12-27T04:03:00.000-08:00

If you are an employer using credit reports for background checks or hiring services from third party agencies that use these procedures, you should make sure that the federal credit report act is being complied fully as otherwise you may face serious legal consequences that may cost you a lot of money on the long run.

Security has become a serious matter and thus most employers want to cover themselves from future difficulties. However, the thin line that separates security from privacy should not be crossed or else, the employer can be liable for violating the mentioned act.

The numbers are amazing, 80% of companies human resource management confess that they run criminal background checks on their candidates due to the security concerns, 10 years ago, that number was only around 50%. The candidate credit standing, credit capacity, and personal characteristics are usually included in investigative consumer reports that can be ordered by employers for the purposes of hiring personnel, promoting personnel, reassigning or retaining personnel.

In order to access and order a consumer report including background criminal, credit and personal checks an employer must make it very clear to the applicant that these investigations will take place. Only then the employer may request a report on the candidate attaching the signed disclosure to the report requirement. However, even with the disclosure, if the information is used in violation of any equal employment opportunity legislation, the consequences of that violation will apply. Credit bureaus are obliged to provide all this information on requirement to any individual that wishes to know what information is included on their databases that may affect job or credit opportunities.

How to Improve Bad Credit with Credit Cards

2006-12-20T03:03:00.000-08:00

By James H. Puckett

A habitual delay or missing payment for the money loaned would hurt credit rating badly. This usually happens with people who has committed the mistake in managing their finances.

Having bad credit history would mean keeping you from the ability to make loans for home or car mortgages, rent an apartment and even prevent an individual from getting hired. This is because many employers view of owning a bad credit is the lack of responsibility.

Since credit is an essential part of the general public, it is good news that people with bad credits are given a chance to fix their ratings.

There are TV or ads that promise in helping people to make a credit overhaul. Sometimes, there are telemarketers offering to do the same. Though some of them are vredible, there are still a number of them that are fraudulent.

However, there are a number of things that can be done personally to rebuild credit.

People make a mistake of running away from their creditors. It is a better gesture to be the first one to call the credit card company rather than waiting for them to do the first move. In doing so, creditors would have an idea that there is still a desire to make the payment. Paying no heed to creditors will most likely merit a report to the credit bureau.

A good number of creditors are not as tough as people often think they are. These companies are more than willing to discuss other options for repayment which would fit the budget of cardholders.

Being hesitant in pushing through rebuilding of credit could pose a problem. This is why free credit counseling is made available to be of assistance in working out a strategy and making a financial plan. Certain credit card organization, banks, or even employers offer in providing counseling programs.

Being denied of services such as a credit, any insurance or even employment would entitle a person to get a copy of the credit report for free. This should be asked for during the 60 days of the said denial. Once the credit history report is obtained, the first step for repairing credit is cleared.

Credit is usually denied because of incorrect information or credit information may be incomplete. The company who denied their services holds the responsibility to give the credit bureau's name and location. Should there be any wrong or inaccurate information, a dispute can be made to correct them. Though this appeal is free, a solid proof as to the false information should be produced. Clarifying the credit information will aid with the credit repair.

A regular review of the credit report is encouraged to know whether the credit is improving or not. The significance of this is to ensure that the information is correct, complete and current. This also would determine if one is already eligible to make a loan. Most important is to aid in guarding an individual from an identity theft.

Making moves in repairing a bad credit and ensuring a steady improvement with it is the most important means to guarantee the continuous enjoyment of owning a credit card. It is wise to be a responsible card user, keeping in mind that being able to keep a credit card is a great privilege.

James has written many articles about the benefits of business and college student credit card offers and runs a website on locating the best credit card offers for your lifestyle.

Calhoun to offer history class for college credit at Bob Jones

2006-12-06T03:21:00.000-08:00

By GREGG L. PARKER

Dual enrollment to give students head start on next level

Teenagers ready to step into the collegiate realm have had a door open at Bob Jones High School.

Starting in January, Calhoun Community College will offer world history, sometimes called western civilization, on the Bob Jones campus. These dual enrollment classes "allow advanced students to take a college class while still in high school," said Gwen Baker, who is coordinating this program.

Baker, Bob Jones counselors Andrea Jones and Patty Piro and assistant principal Christie Finley collaborated on the idea. Bob Jones seniors completed a survey "to determine their interests for various courses on campus" and "showed an overwhelming response," Finley said. Students' top request was world history.

Finley said many Bob Jones students meet eligibility requirements for dual enrollment but don't have private transportation to Calhoun. "Offering the college course during the regular school day allows students with after-school jobs or athletic (or band) practices to participate."

Students are required to have a 3.0 cumulative grade-point average for high school work, an ACT score of 18 or SAT score of 780 and must have passed all parts of the Alabama High School Graduation Exam.

The subsequent course in world history offers the same credits. The class is scheduled during second block.

By completing the first course (HIS 121), a student earns one-half elective of high school credit and three hours of college credit. "Students successfully passing a post-secondary course will receive a 10-point weighted grade recorded on report card, high school official transcript and in the overall GPA calculation," Finley said.

Tuition and fees for each course cost $285. The textbook, "Survey of World Civilization Pre-History to Present," costs $108.75. Students must buy their own books.

The seniors' survey showed interest also in psychology, sociology and speech. "These courses meet most college and university core requirements and do not directly compete with Bob Jones advanced placement courses," she said.

Finley believes the dual enrollment with Calhoun is "a wonderful tool" and hopes students "will consider this opportunity as they begin to make post-secondary decisions."

Student credit card guidelines

2006-11-29T02:13:00.000-08:00

If you're a college student, you know how expensive books, movies and tuition can be. Fortunately, a student credit card can help. To get a student credit card, follow these guidelines:

Credit card companies often set up tables and booths at college fairs. Be sure that the cards you're considering are specifically student cards. Credit cards aimed at students tend to have more lenient credit score and credit history criteria, and they also tend to have lower interest rates.

Not all credit cards are created equal! Since your student credit card is probably your first, educate yourself a bit about the terms and jargon you'll encounter. Choose one with a low interest rate, since that's the "extra" amount your credit card will tack onto your balance each month. Other things you should look for is a card with no annual fee and a low late payment fee.

You'll need to reveal all the basics, like your name, current address and phone number. The application will include lines for information about your school, your school's address, your enrollment status and your year of graduation.

What every Parents Should Know

2006-11-23T03:25:00.000-08:00

Sending your child to college can be quite exhausting. The issue regarding the use of credit cards for college students is not surprising. As a parent, it is your responsibility to explain to your children the ins and outs of owning a college student credit card-the responsibilities and the consequences that they may face if they go over the limit of their college student credit card and failing to pay their financial obligations on time. So what are the best options for a college student credit card for your child? You may start on those credit cards with modest spending limit. Keep in mind that you will be the one to pay for their credit balances anyway, thus it is ideal if you will provide them college student credit cards with minimum credit limit.

Much higher APR, which can probably increase by as much as 100 to 150 percent of the introductory APR? If that will just be the case, it is much better to look for college student credit cards that have APR a little bit higher for the first year yet consistent on the succeeding years.

It will just be a disadvantage on your part if you will get college student credit card for your child that offers rewards or financial incentives. It will just entice your child to make more and more purchases using such card, which will result on financial burden of paying for high accumulated credit balances. In addition, it is better if you will get credit cards that can be managed online so that you will be able to see what your child is doing with his/her credit card and know if their credit account is now in trouble (the credit balance almost exceeds the prescribed credit limit).

Providing the needs of your child going to college is not as easy as giving them the college student credit card that they need.

Holidays bring onslaught of debt

2006-11-15T01:24:00.000-08:00

Select the right credit card

With the holiday season quickly approaching, shopping malls will become flooded with saccharine-sweet holiday themes accompanied by the persistent beeping at the checkout stands. Cash, credit or debit? Would you like financial debt with that?

Credit card debt is a major concern this time of year. Students can be at a higher risk than most, as they are key targets for credit card companies.

Bob Maloney, accounting chair at UAA, said that credit card companies know that most students will usually run up balances on their cards without paying initially only to have their parents bail them out later. If payments are not made, the results can have long-lasting effects for students searching for a career.

“More and more companies are running credit checks before employment,” Maloney said. A poor credit rating can translate into getting passed over for a job.

Maloney said that using a credit card responsibly is a good way to build credit, but that there are some guidelines that should be followed.

“Don’t finance lifestyle changes,” he said. “Purchase durable goods only. You don’t want to pay for something that will be used up before it’s been paid for.”

There is a plethora of good Web sites available to keep students informed and up to date on using credit cards safely. Citibank’s Credit-ED site covers the basics of credit card safety and encourages students to keep up with their credit history and to make sure it is accurate by checking it once a year.

This can be done without cost, thanks to the Fair and Accurate Credit Transactions Act, which requires that every state offer residents an annual free credit report from each of the three major credit bureaus – Equifax, Experian and TransUnion – by visiting www.annualcreditreport.com.

Safely using a credit card and avoiding debt also requires researching what card has the most to offer. Surprisingly, commercials featuring pillaging barbarians, MacGyver or strong narration are not the most useful source for students seeking information about interest rates and annual fees.

Credit Card Assist’s student section of its Web site provides a list of “a variety of the very best student credit card offers available from the world’s leading credit card issuers” with reviews and information. The Citi Platinum Select Card for College Students was the site’s top pick because of its 0% introductory rate, benefits – including fraud protection, travel and emergency assistance services, auto rental insurance protection and travel accident insurance up to $1,000,000 – no annual fees, and student discounts at select stores. Good credit history is required and a warning was included in the review that since it has platinum status, the card has a higher interest rate, which can lead to higher expenditures if the monthly balance is not paid.

Debt is not the only danger of having a credit card. Identity theft and fraud have become much more frequent over the years, and knowing how to avoid potential risks is vital. A booklet published by the Center for Student Credit Card Education Inc. encourages students to be wary of possible dangers. Carrying a credit card that has a photo ID, knowing the billing cycles of card companies and purchasing online only from encrypted Web sites are just a few ways to avoid having a credit card and personal information stolen. Should an identity theft occur, the CSCCE advises filing a police report, contacting the three major credit bureaus to be placed on fraud alert, obtaining credit reports, closing accounts, and contacting the Federal Trade Commission.

Should You Refinance Your Student Loan?

2006-10-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

If you are struggling to repay your student loans then you most certainly are not alone. Many times students and graduates that hold student loans look to refinance in order to lower their monthly payments. Before considering this, please read the following article. It may just change your mind.

Refinancing student loans can be a good idea under certain circumstances, but not always. As of late, interest rates have been low but they are in fact rising and most economists agree that they will continue to rise. Most student loans are based on a variable interest rate and will not be locked-in until you refinance or get a loan consolidation.

The option to refinance is only available to those individuals who have established good credit by paying their loans back on time. If you have missed payments or have been late then you can pretty much forget about it. As a rule, refinancing rates are usually offered at 1 or 2 points below what your current rate is. This is to make the loan more attractive, but you must take caution.

It is tempting to pay less per month but oftentimes what was a 5 year loan turns into a 15 year loan. You can, and I highly recommend that you do, avoid this by paying off as much of the principal as possible. This will shorten the life of the loan and the amount of interest that you pay. This is of course ideal in the best of circumstances but in those times when money is tight you can cut back on your payments, even to the minimum.

Student loans are like every other type of bank loan that you receive in the sense that you borrowed the principal upfront and now the true cost of the loan can only be calculated after all of the principal and interest has been paid back in full. That is probably where a great many students find themselves having difficulties. Far too many treat their student loans as if they were free money. No doubt a great many do the same with credit cards as well but that is a subject for a different day.

Student loans are godsend in assisting millions to get their education. They are an integral part of our society and play a huge role in bettering ourselves and the world we live in through education. If you hold a student loan then you owe it to yourself to know exactly where you stand with it and make the proper adjustments if need be.

Good Deal for Students

2006-10-03T02:30:00.000-07:00

Be a smart student and buy a good deal on your first credit card by comparing student credit cards.

Don’t get easily carried away with rewards and discounts given by the credit card company’s. You must see the fine writing, or small print as that gets us in trouble.

Study the terms carefully. Before going for credit card consider the following questions:

What is the interest rate? Or, the cost that the credit card company is going to charge you to use their money.

* Will the interest rate fluctuate?
* Is there an annual fee?
* Are their application fees or processing fees?

Compare student credit cards by the type of credit they are, the rewards and fees of different companies, and the availability of the credit available.

The best one will be the one that gives you what you want and need at the right price.

Credit Cards for College Students

2006-09-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

Will you provide your child with credit cards for college students? The decision is yours to make. There are many things that you can do to help make this a good thing and not a bad start for the rest of their lives. If you are a student looking for good answers to your questions. You are on the right track. You will need to use it throughout your daily life as a reality check.

Credit cards for college students are widely available. That is not the problem is it? Getting The Right Student Credit Cards the first step to obtaining credit cards for college students is to determine the need.

Once you know what the money will be used for. There are many things that you should consider from the creditors themselves. What are their fees? Choose which the best deal is for you. Now This Is Where You Need to Step up To the Plate If you take on the responsibility of credit cards as a college student. Do not expect your parents to take care of it unless you know that they have agreed to do so.

More about College Student Credit Cards

2006-08-22T04:18:00.000-07:00

The popularity of student credit cards has never been higher than in this, the age of the plastic generation. For students, whether new users or old pros, a credit card can be a blessing or a curse. However, good credit sense and a little knowledge on how to find the best card for you go a long way in ensuring that students do not get cards that are too expensive for their purposes.

Student credit cards generally tend to attract a higher rate of interest, APR (Annual Percentage Rate), because students do not have credit ratings and the banks need to cover themselves against losses. As such, this is the main feature to use when comparing student’s credit cards. Therefore, which card has the best APR rates is oftentimes going to be the determining factor. Look for cards with 0 APR introductory APR for starters.

Definitely, airline credit cards are economic wise

2006-08-01T04:12:00.000-07:00

An example of this is the Aspire Visa Gold credit card which charges an annual fee of $150, a monthly fee that adds up to $78 per year and a $29.Furthermore, many cards are more beneficial at certain spending levels. Your credit report contains personal information that can determine whether or not you are eligible for a loan, credit card, insurance, housing, employment. Every time you fill out an application for a credit card, you're giving the company permission to request a credit report from one of the credit reporting agencies. The Delta Gold Card, for example, comes with an annual price tag of $85.

The Charles Schwab Bank Visa also offers WorldPoints Program with enhanced benefits including unlimited 1% cash back rewards, extraordinary travel benefits and exclusive merchandise rewards. A free prepaid debit card is a viable alternative to a credit card. Most prospects will not hesitate to ask for references from existing cardholders. It is amazing how one can usa gold credit card transfer do everything here.

You can also choose a customized card where you can emboss your name or photo. What these people do not know is that most credit card companies that offer low interest rates for balance transfers are actually applying the interest rate from the day the consumers had transferred their balances. If you wait longer than 60 days, you're stuck paying every cent of a thief's spending spree. Whether you are looking for a good reward program credit card, a gold card, a smart credit card, or a charge card, American Express has many cards to choose from.For a Gold card status, your income only need be in the $10,000 per year range.

The odds are that it was because of your credit rating

2006-07-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

26% were referred to a certain credit card company by their parents, 35% responded to a direct mail solicitation from a credit card company and 18% signed up at a card vendor's booth on campus.The Truth In Lending act only requires that card issuers give you 15 days notice if they're going to change the rate on a 'fixed-rate' account. The best advice: Shop around for a lower card rate, says McBride. This way you have a card, but it requires preplanning to use. Also you can find out from an airline company which you normally travel with, if it has a tie up with a credit card company which gives rewards for frequent fliers.Many low or no-interest rate cards expire in six to 12 months. When you are in the need of a credit card for yourself or for a loved one you may want to start to check into some of the different credit cards that offer you some kind of a gas reward program. If you are getting a credit card for the first time, it is usually very difficult to understand how it works and what to choose. While this would not have prevented universal default from being activated, she would have been prepared for it and ready to strategize an action plan. The 0% interest rate is a teaser rate that is used to persuade people to use or avail a certain credit card. They want your business, so they’re usually willing to give you a deal to keep you using their card. Banks still will not give out small business owner credit cards like lollipops at the doctor, so you will still need to prove to the bank that your business is on the road to success. Then charged a $400 computer, your interest will be computed on the average between 20 days at $50 and 10 days at $450. But some credit-card watchers are now seeing that even late payments on utility bills can cause card rates to jump. Similarly check with your favorite hotel, restaurant, Gas Company and supermarket if they have a reward program in collaboration with a credit card company.When you swipe the card, that information is read and sent via modem to an 'acquirer' - a company that 'acquires' a payment guarantee from the credit card company based on the information stored on your card's magnetic stripe.

Establish your credit standing

2006-06-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

If used wisely, a student can take the first step towards building a solid credit history with a student credit card. You get cash back for making purchases! These cards allow you to make purchases with your credit card without even having to type in a pin number, swipe your card through a reader, or even sign for the sale. What are the late fees for the card? It is a great opportunity if you make a concerted effort to get rid of the debt, says Susan Zimmerman, a chartered financial consultant in St. And then there are the best balance transfer cards. In some cases, airline companies allow cardholders to extend from the limits set thus charging them for the next month. A parent or guardian will co-sign the student credit card, but the student will gain the benefit from having his/her credit activity appear on his/her own credit history report.These credit cards are operated by a number of large finance companies. Secured credit cards usually carry higher interest rates than traditional non-secured credit cards. Once you have received the entire amount, you can no longer borrow on that account. The best student credit card will also allow the student to gain rewards for their purchase, perhaps cash back or gas money for trips back home.If you’re a college student, you probably already have a credit card.So I exchanged the old card for the new one and tore up the letter before throwing it in the trash. Once the collector receives your letter, they may not contact you again except to say there will be no further contact or to notify you that the debt collector or the creditor intends to take some specific action. But if you pay your bill off every month, the interest rate won't matter quite as much.

College Student Credit Cards

2006-04-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

Often, when people are browsing through the different types of credit cards available, they come across the category of "Student Credit Cards." Many people, however, are not sure what a student credit card is or why they are even offered. Generally, these cards are meant to be credit cards for college students, although they can be used with high school students as well. To better understand what student credit cards are all about, it is helpful to take a look at student credit card basics.

Credit cards for college students are easily available online. The downside is that card issuers realize that most students do not have a particular credit strategy in mind, just a desire for easy access to credit.

Card issuers are keenly aware of how to market their products to college students and young people in general. Because of the lack of an established credit history or credit profile, credit cards for students are often more expensive to maintain than traditional credit cards. Subsequently, credit cards for college students often have high interest rates, annual fees, as well as other fees attached. If you are a college student with good credit, you should not have any problem getting approval for an attractive card offer. Unfortunately, many students do not have good credit history, or any credit history at all for that matter.

Shopping for a College Student Credit Card

The first 3 steps when shopping for a credit card for a college student are quite simple: research, research and research. You can easily begin your search online where you can compare and contrast card offers from all of the leading card issuers. This will give you a huge advantage when shopping for the right card offer because you can get a very clear picture of what the cards offer in terms of features and benefits as well as what the card will cost you over time. Thoroughly researching each card offer will help you save time and money, and ultimately, should help lead you to the very best credit cards for college students available anywhere.