Fit As A Fiddle

If December is the month for goodwill to our fellow human persons, January is definitely the month to go to the gym and start exercising. Especially for those of us who believe in second and third helpings of 'goodwill.' Before you overreact and do something crazy like put away that box of TURTLES you've been working on all afternoon, pause for a moment to take stock of the situation. And by stock, I mean livestock. Do you resemble any that you've come across in recent memory?

The Rooster: Skinny ankles and legs with a huge gut. Definitely top-heavy but proud that your waist hasn't changed in thirty years.

The Hog: Body is basically streamlined, if you can call a keg of beer 'streamlined.' (About the same shape as a '95 Chevy Caprice Classic. And the same tonnage.)

The Cow: Big lips, huge nostrils, always chewing 'cud.' Adept at swatting flies with your tail.

The Water Strider: A bug so light that it can actually walk ON TOP OF WATER. It also looks good in a two-piece bathing suit no matter how old it is or how many kids it's had.

It is important to look at your body realistically. Ask yourself these important questions: Do I look fat? Do I care? Ok, so I look fat. Do I look sickly, unhealthy fat or just 'soft?' Should I ask my spouse if s/he thinks I look fat? Should I make fun of his/her potbelly before I pose the question? What are the chances of starting a trend where it's ok for people to look bigger than 'toothpicks with eyes' (Ally McBeal) and still be attractive? If that happened, would we see a new Barbie on the horizon? (ie. 'Just had the fourth child' Barbie; 'Figure of a REAL thirty-year old woman' Barbie or 'Cottage-Cheese Butt' Barbie).

And keep in mind that there are specific times at which you should and should not survey yourself in the mirror.

WHEN TO AVOID LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

Never immediately after eating a big meal; never as soon as you wake up; never after meeting a professional swimmer/gymnast/dancer; never while wearing clothes that are too small for you; never when you are feeling the effects of Montezuma's revenge; never after watching a home movie about yourself when you were twenty; never after reading Cosmopolitan, People or any other celebrity magazine; never after watching MTV videos.

THE BEST TIMES TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

While you are lifting a piano; while you are stretched out on a rack or some other instrument of torture; after a two-hour workout; when you are dressed in your favourite outfit. And the mirror is partly steamed up. With the lights off. When you've just spent the day with your grandfather.

My point here is that you don't need to get all worried about how you look when compared to anyone else. You need to be fit and trim for YOU (and your family). And when you do see someone that makes you jealous because of their fine form, do what I do and realize that they, too, are human and have their own problems. Then imagine what those problems could be. Like halitosis, or chronic bad gas or a nervous twitch. Then be thankful that you are who you are. And go lift a piano in front of the mirror.