10 Ways to Tell You're Getting Older

A amusing thing happened to me when I turned forty. I noticed hair growing out of my ears. At first, I didn't pay much attending to it, but as the hebdomads went by, it began looking like spiders were trying to creep into my head.

With much resistance, I decided to pare the hair with a little brace of scissors, but it kept growing back, thicker and darker. Thoughts of hiring a professional lawn service to keep this unsightly growing came to mind. Then person suggested "electrolysis." (From the Grecian "electro" significance some kind of electricity and "trolysis" significance hurting like hell.) This was not an option I wanted to explore.

So, I've decided to chalk it up to getting older. Let's human face it, no 1 desires to acknowledge that they are getting old, so I've adopted the new phrase "getting older". Getting old sounds so cold and rigid, but no 1 can deny that we are getting older. Getting aged just have a nicer more than appreciated quality about it.

So, how makes one cognize if they are getting old(er)? Here are 10 certain fire ways:

1. You're spending more than and more clip in the Clairol aisle.

2. You maintain flipping through the channels looking for Lawrence Welk.

3. You got your last monocle prescription from the Erythroxylon Coca Genus Cola Bottling Company.

4. Seventy per cent of your conversation includes you shouting the word "What?!!!

5. You believe the new up and coming amusing is Shecky Greene.

6. Drug maltreatment intends taking two stool softeners.

7. You've spent five proceedings standing in the kitchen trying to retrieve what you went in there for.

8. Those Depends commercial messages have got been catching your eye.

9. Your closet includes either achromatic shoes, achromatic belt, or both.

10. Getting up three modern times a nighttime no longer have to make with sex.

I trust this helps. Base On Balls this on to five of your friends, or household members that you experience are getting old(er). Iodine cognize I am, passing this on, that is, if lone I can retrieve their names.

Advice For The June Groom

I saw my first redbreast of Spring yesterday... two cats held up a Seven-Eleven. (Rim shot.)

But, yes, it is Spring and that agency bright sunshine, colourful flowers and a immature man's fancy bends to... baseball. Just kidding. I mean, love. And what follows love, but engagements. And what follows engagements, but marriage. And what follows marriage, but fighting over control of the television remote.

This twelvemonth there will be more than June brides than June bugs. Women are lucky in that they usually have got a prenuptial treatment with their female parents about what to anticipate out of marriage. Work Force have got a prenuptial treatment about what to anticipate out of a marriage, too. It's called the unmarried man party.

That's why I would wish to utilize this column to counsel the immature men, about to do that of import step, of the pitfalls and trip wires to avoid.

First of all, there are two very of import magic words you must larn before we continue. Those words are, "I'm sorry." Learn them. Practice them in presence of a mirror. Saying these two words, convincingly, can intend the difference between being served your favourite dinner and a bowl of Kibbles 'N Bits.

At work, you may be the 1 who make all the of import decisions, but once you go through through the portals of your domicile, your determinations don't intend squat. To avoid confrontations and a series of bickers that volition only stop in you having to state the two "magic" words anyway, leave of absence the determinations to her. She will appreciate you for having adequate assurance in her determination devising and you won't have got to worry about where she hid your underwear. (Besides, you'll acquire used to sleeping in a fuchsia sleeping room with periwinkle slipcovers and a hot pinkish canopy.)

Just like you, wives travel through different alterations in moods. However, even if you lived together for 40 old age before getting married, you will never see all the tempers that they travel through. Taking an educated guess, I would have got to safely state that there are only about 16 proceedings a calendar month that your married woman won't desire to take a powerfulness tool to one of your limbs.

Another thing to maintain in head is... you're wrong. Accept that fact. You are never right. If the sky is blue, you're wrong. If tomorrow is Friday, you're wrong. There's another phrase you may desire to begin practicing. "You're right, dear." In fact, if you compound the two phrases that you have got been taught, ("I'm sorry. You're right, dear.") effectively, many a nighttime on the couch with a springtime jabbing you in the dorsum can be avoided.

Be prepared to be made to look like an incompetent sap at any time. If you go forth the bath mat on the flooring after taking a shower, you will be notified. If you go forth the bath mat on the flooring a 2nd time, she will personally come up down to your topographic point of work, with bath mat in hand, point to it, and in her most arch voice say, "Did we bury something today?"

There is a manner of not doing housework, but it takes pattern and being able to look foolish with a sincere look on your face. Let's say you've been assigned to make the laundry. Wait for her to catch you burden the washer with Whites and a stack of bluish socks and inquire her if you should utilize hot water. She will immediately force you to the side and state you, "You don't cognize what you're doing." In which case, your response will be what? Correct. "I'm sorry. You're right, dear." This volition be an first-class chance for you to catch the athletics subdivision of the newspaper and caput to the "library." (Just remember, the eyelid must be down when you finish. Better known as the Eleventh Commandment.)

Well, got to go. My married woman just walked by and gave me THAT look. It can only intend one thing. After making my sandwich for luncheon today, I must have got got left my knife on the counter instead of washing, drying and putting it away.

So, maintain in head these simple regulations and you, too, will have a matrimony made in Heaven. "What's that? The knife travels in the silverware drawer and not on the counter? I'm sorry. You're right, dear."

Home Repairs for the Novice

I'm not exactly what you would name handy. In fact, I am to place improvement what Mr. Deoxythymidine Monophosphate is to Victoria's Secret. I necessitate an nightlong infirmary stay if I try to take the India rubber set from around a newspaper. (I've almost set my oculus out twice.)

My deficiency of mechanical art is known throughout the countryside. The borough that I dwell in have requested that I use for a permit, if I try to construct a sandwich.

My father was the 1 who was blessed with these skills. He could work on the household car and have got it running in the morning, fix a broken hay profligate on the dorsum of the tractor in the afternoon, put in new electrical mercantile establishments in the trim room by twilight and then turn around and do a Magyar Goulash that would do a indigen Budapestian transmigrate to our kitchen. And, he'd make it all in one day. (Let's see him compose a one-half hr specification book for "Everybody Loves Raymond.")

Still, I would love the ability to construct or fix something and not have got to fill up out an coverage claim form. For instance, I tried replacing the float in the lavatory army tank in the invitee bathroom. Without getting into too many details, people who see us now, and usage the invitee bathroom, have got the alone chance to see, first hand, how a pool litter operates.

Last year, we had a Nor'easter and respective herpes zoster were blown off our roof. I replaced them the twenty-four hours before a major blizzard in March. After the storm, all the herpes zoster I replaced, (using no less than twenty nails in each shingle) were still there. However, all the shake surrounding them were gone.

I also attempted to put in a lavatory paper holder in the invitee bathroom. Sixteen electric drill holes in the wall later, I discovered how much easier it was to go forth the loose axial rotation of t.p. on the vanity.

My lame fix efforts became known as "The Curse Of The Guest Bathroom." Sir Leslie Stephen King is planning on authorship the screenplay.

Now that I've put you up, and have got given you some background on my manual dexterity, it is clip to state you of my ultimate challenge.

No 1 looks to cognize how a bit in the porcelain, the size of Camden County, got in the invitee bathroom sink. My girlfriend denies any cognition of it. And every clip I oppugn the two cats, they indicate their paws at each other in an accusative fashion.

So, when my girlfriend said, "We necessitate to replace this sink." I immediately volunteered for the job. After approximately twenty proceedings of my girlfriend laughing uncontrollably, I explained that I needed to interrupt "The Curse Of the Guest Bathroom", I needed to turn out that I could make it and I needed the arm and leg I would have got been charged had I hired a plumber. It was just something I had to do. Man pitted against plumbing. Infectious Mononucleosis Gold Mono.

I entered the bathroom wearing a fully loaded tool belt, a difficult hat, dark goggles, and retention a big tobacco pipe twist in each hand. ROBOPLUMBER!!!

First, I removed the old sink. This was the sink that originally came with the house. I discovered that detergent builders be given to utilize the cheapest class stuffs when edifice a house. (The adjacent less class sink, in this case, would have got been a fluent watercourse and a rock.)

The true true cats hid under the bed, as I removed the hardware from the old sink and attempted to set them (the hardware, not the cats) on the new one. NOTE: It's advisable to retrieve how the hardware came off, so that after installing the hardware on the new sink, you don't have got 10 or twelve other pieces left over.

The perspiration began pouring from my brow as everything I tried to make went wrong. The bathroom began looking like a scene out of The Three Stooges' "A Plumbing We Will Go." I had ideas of, after completing the job, turning on the faucet and my neighbor's lavatory flushing.

I'm proud to state that, eventually, the sink was installed and aquiline up. The hot H2O came out when the hot H2O faucet was turned on. The cold H2O ran when the cold H2O faucet was activated. This was all complete in one afternoon with lone two Band-Aids, A alteration of clothing and thirty-seven expletive deletives. The "curse" had been broken.

Now, weren't we talking about adding on another room?