Using Good Quotes to Tell Funny Stories

The ability to tell a good story is an essential skill to learn -- stories are such a common part of everyday life. If you're like most people, perhaps you've wished that being funny could be effortless and that telling memorable, funny stories could be natural. Perhaps you've envied those who can command a listener's attention at will? The good news is that the ability to tell good, funny stories is a skill that improves with practice. Try the following three tips and you'll be on the road to telling humorous stories!

Tip #1: Use good quotes.

Sound bytes and memorable one-liners are a great way for people to be able to remember what you say. For example, you can use a witty quote from a hilarious comedy on TV or a famous line from a movie. Those who recognize the reference will appreciate it since it is familiar to them; those who have not heard the quote before will still find the quote amusing. In fact, they may actually think you are quite inventive and full of wit. Memorize and keep an arsenal of good quotes so that you can bring them out when the occasion arrives.

Tip #2: Be enthusiastic.

Have you ever noticed that two people can basically say the same thing, but one will be received much better than another? One major reason is because of the enthusiasm he or she conveys. Enthusiasm is linked very closely with confidence. As you are enthusiastic while you tell a story, others will naturally become more engaged with what you say. Try to consciously add enthusiasm to what you say and see what results you get!

Tip #3: Don't laugh at your own story.

A simple way to improve the impact of the stories you tell is to avoid showing any sort of reaction after you tell the story. The same principle applies for when you tell a joke. When you deliver a story, simply end with a smile and allow your listener to laugh or respond appropriately. If you tell a story that turns out to be less funny than you hope, it's okay because it won't feel like a failed attempt to elicit laughter. Not laughing at your own stories allows you to tell as many stories as you want without worrying about looking foolish.

Practice, practice, practice and you will develop a reputation as a great, hilarious storyteller in no time.

The Perfect Humor Mentality

Here's the fundamental truth of being humorous:

You will never ever become a truly funny guy unless you view yourself as one.

And whether you view yourself as a funny guy depends a lot on what you say to yourself on a daily basis. Words are mirrors. What you say to yourself not only reflects your mentality but also provides feedback to reinforce your own perception about yourself.

The technical term is called autosuggestion.

Your "humor identity" is also decided on many other factors, such as:

- Your postures (upright or slouching)

- Gestures (firm or fleeting)

- Facial expressions (blank or lively)

- The speed of your movement (purposeful or flustering)

- Tonality (cadent vs. dry)

..and so on.

Don't you agree?

If you carefully study the behaviors of those funny guys, you'd notice that being humorous to them is not a show that they put up once in a while. To them, it is a way of life... they have already developed the mentality of being humorous, and that's how they're "naturally funny".

This concept is critical.

I hope what you'll do is to become a funny guy and make humor a part of you, instead of trying to act funny only when you think it is necessary.

Of course, if you aren't there yet, you should start with some specific techniques to get rid of fear of failures, rejections and frustration, etc. and keep yourself motivated.

Here's an example:

Many sales people know about this common technique of staying motivated when interacting with clients. It goes like this:

If you know your conversion rate is 5%, and what you're trying to sell can bring a profit of $1000, every time you meet a potential client you should say to yourself, "Great, I've just earned $50 again!"

You can apply the same strategy to make women laugh.

Here's an example:

If you know you can make 1 out of 20 woman fall in love with you with your current humor, just say to yourself, "Thank you for helping me locate the right woman!"

Fun Foods For Kids

To insure that kids get enough fruits and vegetables in their diet, sometimes we can introduce some foods that are fun to eat. Surprisingly children can get some of their required daily intake of vegetables by eating home made salsa.

Salsa & Chips Make a Great Snack

Ingredients:

*1 white onion

*1/2 bunch cilantro

*3 tomatoes

*1 large jalapeño pepper

*1 small can of chili peppers

*The juice of 2 limes

*1/2 teaspoon salt

*1/2 clove garlic (chopped)

*1/2 teaspoon sugar

Instructions:

1)Wash all the vegetables.

2)Use the vegetable chopper to chop the onion, cilantro, and tomatoes.

3)Set these ingredients aside.

4)Finely chop the jalapeño and the chilies.

5)Add the jalapeño and the chilies to the tomato mixture.

6)Add the rest of the ingredients and stir well.

Wash your hands with soap and water after cutting up the vegetables to avoid getting the hot pepper into your eyes. The whole family will enjoy the Salsa. Use immediately or refrigerate. There is nothing more delicious than home made salsa. You may never get the pre made salsa again.

After the ingredients have had time to blend, the salsa is even better
Milder salsa can be made by substituting sweet peppers for the jalapeño and chili peppers. Hotter salsa can be made by increasing the onions and peppers.

There is an entire daily serving of vegetables in 1/2 cup of salsa.

The best carrot recipe is healthy and one that children will eat. Carrots are rich in vitamins A. Vitamin A promotes the growth of bones and teeth, supports the immune system, and promotes the health of internal cell tissues and the skin.

Finding a way to fix carrots that children will eat may be as easy as the famous Mary Poppin's song " A little bit of sugar will make the carrots go down".

Try this recipe and watch your kids eat it up.

The Best Carrot Recipe

Ingredients:

*1 pounds carrots

*1/2 cup sugar

*1/2 cup butter

*1/2 teaspoon salt

Instructions:

1) Put 1/4 cup of water in the bottom of the pan.

2) Peel carrots and slice into rounds.

2) Put all ingredients into the pan.

3) Cover carrots and cook very slowly.

4) Shake the pan frequently.

5) Do not open the top, let the steam cook the carrots.

6) This cooking process takes about 20-30 minutes.

If the kids will not eat cooked carrots, you can always revert to natural carrots with ranch dressing. Children love ranch dressing. Some kids will eat carrots dipped in ketchup. Carrots are so nutrient rich that however kids will eat them, it is good for their health.

Just a Mow Please

I would never deliberately hurt anyone or anything – I'm too much of a softie for that, but just recently, I managed to inflict some serious harm. Perhaps I should confess, and admit to actually killing something.

After the recent rains, the grass in my yard was getting a tad out of control. I realized how much out of control the lawn was when I had to launch a safari to locate my letterbox, taking along a week's supply of food and toilet paper. I might be exaggerating about the safari bit.

Anyway, on Friday afternoon, I thought I'd get out my whipper-snipper to cut through the worst of the thick jungle that was growing at the side of my house. It's been quite some time since I had the little tool out, and I replaced the cord with some thicker cord in the vain hope that it wouldn't break every five seconds that it was in use. Perhaps the cord was too thick, or perhaps the whipper-snipper was tired, but whatever the case, I managed to kill it. The electric whipper-snipper began to smell like it was burning and I thought it was because it was simply struggling to get through the thick grass. But after about ten minutes, it suddenly made a strange noise, and began to rattle and it ceased in its pathetic attempts at cutting the grass. Smoke began to issue from the motor, and I quickly switched it off and disconnected the cord.

"Fine!" I thought in exasperation, "I'll just get out my electric mower."

The old 'Flymo' electric mower had always struggled with thick grass, but as I'd already managed to lop back some of the worst of the grass with the dismal endeavours of the whipper-snipper, I thought I might stand a change with the 'Flymo'. Unfortunately, the mower struggled right from the start. Now when the grass is short, the 'Flymo' hovers over the grass and is almost as light as a feather. But when the grass is thick and long, the 'Flymo' becomes more like the 'Flystuck' because it just seem to get bogged down into the grass like its suddenly transformed into an enormous vacuum cleaner.

Valiantly I struggled on, hacking at the grass ever so slowly, making short, hard sweeps through the thick undergrowth. I could still smell the burnt-out motor of the whipper-snipper which I'd discarded nearby, as I toiled and sweated with my 'Flymo'. It was about ten minutes into my lawn-mowing attempts that I began to suspect that something was seriously wrong with my electric mower. The burnt smell grew stronger and suddenly the mower began to make a strange and wretched noise. Then it kind of gasped and died, and smoke began to issue from the motor. I switched it off and disconnected the mower.

I couldn't believe it! I had managed to murder both a whipper-snipper and a motor mower in one day. I hadn't realised that I possessed such an exceptional talent! Would anyone else like to test my skill!?

Big Medicine Caused 1938 Missouri Flood

Oklahoma, Texas and Arkansas are experiencing a devastating flood, and I want everyone to know I had nothing to do with it. I gave up dabbling in the occult arts many years ago. After more than a half century of silence, I reckon it is safe to admit that I was partly responsible for the Great Arkansas-Missouri flood of l938.

Mostly, though, it was the fault of Chief Kow Tow and Cousin Charley. Chief Kow Tow claimed to be of noble Choctaw blood whose forefathers were forced to Oklahoma Territory reservations many moons ago. He evaded the white devils and stayed behind in southeast Missouri to "make big medicine" for ancestral spirits still haunting the shores of the St. Francis River.

The Chief's real name was unpronounceable. "Kow Tow" was as close as folks could get to the Indian sound. He said his name meant "Singing In The Clouds." Kow Tow insisted he was 100 years old. He boasted that as a young brave he had taken 99 scalps and been promised by his spirit guide, Red Hawk, a year of life for each trophy. Having surpassed his allotment of years, the Chief said he felt obliged to even accounts by taking one more white-devil scalp before he died.

Folks pooh-poohed Chief Kow Tow's threat as showmanship for his business of wooden spoons. Four notches on the handle and pokeberry stain on the bowl was guaranteed to ward off ptomaine poison. People laughed, but shelled out a dollar for a magic spoon --- just in case.

* * *

Charley was not as colorful a character as Chief Kow Tow. Nevertheless, my older cousin had managed to become a legend in his own time. It was during a summer visit to his house that he introduced me to the town's principal celebrity.

The old Indian lived alone in a one-room tin-roofed cabin back in a canebrake. The mosquitoes were fierce but didn't seem to bother him. Kow Tow tolerated visitors if they brought along a little sugar, coffee, tobacco, or whiskey --- the only necessities he didn't grow in his garden or find in the wild. Those people who failed to bring a gift were reminded by the chief of his outstanding debt to Red Hawk.

Missouri and Arkansas were suffering from a drought. Cotton was drying in the bolls. It was Cousin Charley's inspiration that we ask Chief Kow Tow to perform a rain dance. For inducement we invested (my money) in a bag of Bull Durham and a peppermint stick, the old fellow's special treat.

The chief received us cordially enough and heard our request. He sucked thoughtfully on the peppermint before replying. "That powerful medicine. Worth more. What else you got?" After further negotiation we threw in a jack knife, a red bandanna and a Sunday school badge given me for 13 weeks perfect attendance --- my all-time record.

Gathering up his booty, Kow Tow retired to his cabin. Bye and bye he reappeared dressed in a silk top hat ringed with feathers, a frock coat and a red cravat over his usual attire of flannel shirt and faded Levis. Over his shoulder he carried a fringed, buckskin bag decorated with paintings of birds and mysterious symbols. From it Kow Tow took four arrows tipped with beautiful pink and white stone which I now know came from Flint Ridge, Ohio, and was widely traded among Indians for ceremonial purposes.

* * *

The Chief drew a square on the ground and stuck his arrows, point up, at the corners. In the center he set a decorated pottery bowl. Into the bowl he crumbled sumac leaves, willow bark and a few pinches of tobacco from his newly acquired pouch of Bull Durham. "Kinnikinnick," he explained. "Make sacred smoke." Kow Tow began striking sparks from two stones onto the kinnikinnick. Presently a think smoke curled upwards, and he fanned it with a hawk wing. He bent over the smoldering mixture and breathed in the fumes.

"You, too," he commanded. Charley and I sniffed the acrid smoke. It made our eyes burn and our heads swim a bit. Then the old chief took two, gourd rattles from his medicine bag and began to dance around the arrows. "Huh yuh, huh yuh," he chanted as he shook the rattles vigorously. I felt goose bumps rising on my arms. "Geez," whispered Cousin Charley. "Ain't this sumthin?"

After about ten minutes of stomping and chanting, Chief Kow Tow stopped suddenly. "That's plenty," he said emphatically as he gathered up his paraphernalia. We thanked him and left, confident that the long dry spell would soon be over.

* * *

By golly, the next day it started to rain --- hard! It rained steadily for two days and two nights. Off in the distance we could hear a faint, continuous rumbling. "Water's rising," grownups with worried frowns told each other. Cousin Charley and I were scared. It was more than we had bargained for. In the early dark of the third morning of rain there was a pounding on the front door. Obviously bad news.

Uncle Ruppert hurried out of bed, already sensing the trouble. "The New Madrid levee broke!" shouted the messenger. "They need all the help they can get!" Aunt Thelma fixed two sandwiches for Uncle Ruppert and kissed him as he left to join a straggling line of other men trudging along the railroad, the highest ground. "Be careful Rup!"

Cousin Charley and I shivered. That afternoon we swore a mighty oath --- sealed with blood pricked from our thumbs --- never to tell about our visit to Chief Kow Tow. Uncle Ruppert came home two days later --- dog-tired and haggard. He hadn't slept for 36 hours. He had tragic news.

The main levee of the Mississippi had broken but a secondary levee held. Men were ferried by barge across the flood to heave sand bags into the breach. On one of the trips, the barge overturned. Twenty men drowned! There was a score of sad funerals that week in southeast Missouri, one in our town. My guilt was overwhelming.

* * *

Cousin Charley came to visit me a year later and told me that he had gotten into an argument with Chief Kow Tow over ownership of a dog. "That hound took up with me, but old Kow Tow said it belonged to him. I started to dispute him, but he declared, "Don't rile me or I'll make it rain!" "I saw his point right off," said Charley. "That mangy dog wasn't much of a hunter anyhow."

Click here to see this article on Lindsey Williams's website

The Sky Is Falling Faster Than Ever Before Chicken Little

The sky is falling, the sky is falling and it is falling faster than ever before or so we are told by the mass media hysteria. Oh what is it this time? An asteroid will hit the Earth in 2036, the Mayan Calendar of 2012 or Social Security runs out by 2043? Oh no, oh my, oh me!

Indeed, indeed, that is if you are not blow to smithereens by an evil doer, sneaky bad guy or international terrorist. And that will probably not happen because Global Warming will cook the planet after sea levels rise and drown a third of the human population. Well this will happen to all those who did not die of Y2K or the Bird Flew this summer? Better turn on the Art Bell Radio Show and find out the latest conspiracy theories?

Surely you will die a slow death of HIV/AIDS if Global Warming does not get you before all that. All because you bought an SUV to drive your family around in safety, so that you do not get creamed and die in a car accident by someone driving a Hummer?

You think that is bad, here comes The 2007 Atlantic Tropical Hurricane Season where Mother Nature is going to make up for the mild 2006 Season. Soon you will be blowing in the wind as a Saffir-Simpson Cat VI blows you out to sea? But all is not lost. I did save a bunch of money on my Car Insurance by switching to Gieko?

I certainly hope this article is of interest and that is has propelled thought. The goal is simple, to help you in your quest to be the best in 2007. I thank you for reading my many articles on diverse subjects, which interest you.

Truly False Interview-Condi 734

Any similarity with real events or persons in this article is purely fictional, even though fiction often times outperforms reality.

"I am really surprised that you agreed to this interview in such a short time, Doctor Rice"

She looked at me without effort, showing off her new contact lenses (Closer Looks, Inc. $279.95) Her desk did not have the usual pile of files, thick binders, flagged reports, e-mails and telephone messages that her predecessor maintained untouched to add to his image of the overwhelmed Secretary of State. She replied:

"As President Bush has said many times, all of us who fight for freedom and democracy must always allow the press to share our concerns, our ambitions and our fears. I think it was Tolstoy or perhaps my uncle Senator Thurmond who said in a memorable address that...."

I was not born yesterday. While my parents always taught me to be respectful with persons of authority and listen politely, I decided that I would not allow Doctor Rice to wrap every answer in her convoluted rhetoric and her superb use of unexpected and enviable avenues of digression, avoidance and even deceit. So I said:

"Doctor Rice, let me make something crystal. Fiction blended with reality makes wonderful scripts for theater or movies, but it makes for empty noise at the State Department. I am not here to listen to the party line. I am here to ask questions and not to receive lectures on patriotism, the greatness of infallible George Bush, the righteousness of the present Crusade and the fine quality of the food served by the State Department cafeteria. I want you to answer the questions truthfully. Just in case, let me remind you that I still have the video and the other tapes!"

My father used to say that covering your backside should not be considered unethical or illegal. Morality demands that we provide ourselves with the necessary armor if we are to survive. In the journalistic profession, this makes a bit more sense than in other occupations.

She turned slightly pale and stuttered:

"No need to get uptight. Keep in mind that I am an important part of the team that is transforming the world from a cesspool of suffering, corruption, envy, tragedy and neglect into a garden where the best human qualities will flourish, where freedom and democracy will guarantee unending happiness. As President Bush is fond of saying. . . "

She can not control herself, I noticed. So I continued:

"Here are the questions. When are you people going to admit that it is time to make a deal somehow and get our troops out of Iraq? There does not seem to be any meaningful policy underpinning our military actions. Was Ted Kennedy right when he suggested over a year ago that you people better prepare a plan to retreat from Iraq? Why does the Administration refuse to join Russia, China, the UN and the European Union in the talks being held with Iran concerning the direction their nuclear program is to take? Or do our War President and Dick need more wars? Are you preparing 'evidence' about another case of made-in-Iran Weapons of Mass Destruction,? Will all this conceal aspirations to control Saudi Arabia, the Gulf Emirates, Libya, Iraq, Iran and eventually Venezuela? Granted that these countries need new political and social guidelines but, strange coincidence, they are the world's top oil producers. Will your gang, I am sorry but I could not bring myself to call it Administration, continue to plow and harvest the gullibility of the religious nuts in this country? Will you have mullahs in the Supreme Court?"

She kept looking at me with a very neutral expression, if that is possible. She smiled seductively and asked:

"Where did you say you keep those tapes?"

UFO: Xrytspet Shows Me a Universe with a Yellow Glow

I had just finished my article on "dark energy," sent it up to EzineArticles. put an abstract on my blog, and pinged the blog to the world when Xrytspet© from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 dropped in to see me.

Hack Writer: What's wrong, is the FnL7 Time Craft in the shop? I though you would be wintering in Chili.

Xrytspet: That's a piece of crap you just wrote, Taylor Jones the hack writer.

Hack Writer: Writers write.

Xrytspet: Some kids going to read that compilation of false science and think it is true—dark energy being sapped to form matter that rides on the fabric of space which is dark energy again. You are confused, Taylor Jones.

Hack Writer: Okay, Twinkle Bird, you explain dark energy to me.

Xrytspet: The odds of you understanding how this particular universe was formed are the same as your chances of making a buck on the Internet.

Hack Writer: Hey, I got a check for $2.38 from LinkShare.com just the other day. I made over $3.50 during the Christmas buying season.

Xrytspet: Want to take a ride? The FnL7 Time Craft is in your back yard.

Hack Writer: What makes you think I would want to ride anywhere with you after that charade of yours in my garage—laying those bouncy eggs and then stealing my Omaha Stakes from my garage freezer?

Xrytspet: You Earthlings are so gullible, especially Taylor Jones the hack writer. So do you want to know about the universe or not?

Hack Writer: Did you eat all of my Omaha Steaks, the stuffed flounder, the gourmet hamburgers and hot dogs—and what about my beef stroganoff?

Xrytspet: You know I don't eat most months. I got hungry. Coming or not?

Hack Writer: Not! I rather ponder on the universe rather than understand it. The universe is an ephemeral thing. What will understanding the universe get me, Xrytspet? The fuzz on the surface of this globe will disappear in a blaze of fire and who will give two hoots in a haystack?

The next thing I knew I was in the FnL7 Time Craft speeding beyond the speed of light in a direction exactly perpendicular to the plane of our universe. Soon the individual galaxies were only spots and then I could see the whole of the universe. But that was not the only thing I saw. There were a multitude of universes. I was so excited I said, "Let's go see that one!"

Xrytspet said, "If we go to that universe, Taylor Jones, you will be instantly destroyed."

I said, "So that is what an antimatter universe looks like. I guess you can tell by that faint yellow glow."

Xrytspet shook her head and said, "You are such an idiot Taylor Jones the hack writer. That is not an antimatter universe. It would just take us so long to get there that I would be not only tired of your mindless chatter, but hungry again.

I said, "Xrytspet, I think it's time to go home."

The space craft shook and I thought it was going to shake me to pieces. I heard this voice, "You are having a nightmare, John! Wake up!

I looked up.

It was just my wife.

Fit As A Fiddle

If December is the month for goodwill to our fellow human persons, January is definitely the month to go to the gym and start exercising. Especially for those of us who believe in second and third helpings of 'goodwill.' Before you overreact and do something crazy like put away that box of TURTLES you've been working on all afternoon, pause for a moment to take stock of the situation. And by stock, I mean livestock. Do you resemble any that you've come across in recent memory?

The Rooster: Skinny ankles and legs with a huge gut. Definitely top-heavy but proud that your waist hasn't changed in thirty years.

The Hog: Body is basically streamlined, if you can call a keg of beer 'streamlined.' (About the same shape as a '95 Chevy Caprice Classic. And the same tonnage.)

The Cow: Big lips, huge nostrils, always chewing 'cud.' Adept at swatting flies with your tail.

The Water Strider: A bug so light that it can actually walk ON TOP OF WATER. It also looks good in a two-piece bathing suit no matter how old it is or how many kids it's had.

It is important to look at your body realistically. Ask yourself these important questions: Do I look fat? Do I care? Ok, so I look fat. Do I look sickly, unhealthy fat or just 'soft?' Should I ask my spouse if s/he thinks I look fat? Should I make fun of his/her potbelly before I pose the question? What are the chances of starting a trend where it's ok for people to look bigger than 'toothpicks with eyes' (Ally McBeal) and still be attractive? If that happened, would we see a new Barbie on the horizon? (ie. 'Just had the fourth child' Barbie; 'Figure of a REAL thirty-year old woman' Barbie or 'Cottage-Cheese Butt' Barbie).

And keep in mind that there are specific times at which you should and should not survey yourself in the mirror.

WHEN TO AVOID LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

Never immediately after eating a big meal; never as soon as you wake up; never after meeting a professional swimmer/gymnast/dancer; never while wearing clothes that are too small for you; never when you are feeling the effects of Montezuma's revenge; never after watching a home movie about yourself when you were twenty; never after reading Cosmopolitan, People or any other celebrity magazine; never after watching MTV videos.

THE BEST TIMES TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

While you are lifting a piano; while you are stretched out on a rack or some other instrument of torture; after a two-hour workout; when you are dressed in your favourite outfit. And the mirror is partly steamed up. With the lights off. When you've just spent the day with your grandfather.

My point here is that you don't need to get all worried about how you look when compared to anyone else. You need to be fit and trim for YOU (and your family). And when you do see someone that makes you jealous because of their fine form, do what I do and realize that they, too, are human and have their own problems. Then imagine what those problems could be. Like halitosis, or chronic bad gas or a nervous twitch. Then be thankful that you are who you are. And go lift a piano in front of the mirror.